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Report: St. Paul not horny

This lone St. Paul jogger down there: Do they look lonely? Not if you ask them they're not.

This lone St. Paul jogger down there: Do they look lonely? Not if you ask them they're not. Leila Navidi, Star Tribune

Looking to get into trouble?

Specifically, the kind that leads to a sentence of eternal damnation to never-ending torture and flames, not to mention the possibility of bumping into Goebbels in the lunch line? 

Better avoid St. Paul, a disturbingly well-behaved city, if a rigorous new examination of "sinful" cities from WalletHub is to be believed. The study measured "37 key indicators of evil deeds," as practiced in the nation's 180 largest cities, including Minneapolis and St. Paul. Turns out St. Paul is not only the more affordable of the two cities, but will also be sending way more residents to heaven, which we hear is nice this time of year.

Let's get the ugly kind of sins out of the way: St. Paulites aren't particularly prone to "anger" or "hateful" behavior (170th out of 180), a measurement  of a city's violent and sex crime rates. (Minneapolis placed 60th in that category.) If violent crime is what you're into ... um, seek help immediately? Anyway, St. Louis, Missouri and Detroit finished first and second on the "hatred" index. Approach those cities with caution until they get some stuff figured out.

OK! Now let's have some fun. The people of St. Paul are not "jealous," news that will absolutely shock the sibling rivalry enthusiasts of Minneapolis, who remain convinced the only reason anyone chooses the 651 over the 612 is because they don't think they own cool enough shirts. 

St. Paul also doesn't get down on common vices, ranking 153rd on an assessment of "excessive" drinking, over-eating, drug use, or racking up debt. (Minneapolis has its shit together here too, at No. 134.)

Here's where the cities really start to diverge. St. Paul ranks as the 118th "most lustful" city, a ranking based on strip clubs, porn searches, and percentage of people active on Tinder. The ranking puts St. Paul right in between such un-sexy sounding places as Hunstville, Alabama and Chattanooga, Tennessee.

Minneapolis, though? Minneapolis fucks. Wants to, anyway, maybe because we're so damn happy about how we look naked: The city's 30th in "lust" and 27th in "vanity." Maybe Minneapolis wants to hop in bed because it works hard: On the "laziness" index, a study of how often people exercise/work/volunteer, among other factors, Minneapolis comes in 146th -- or in other words, as the 35th most active city.

But wait! St. Paul ranks even lower, 149th (or 32nd most active) on the "laziness" category. St. Paul's even less lazy than Minneapolis. It just doesn't feel like using that energy for bangin'. Picture St. Paul rolling over in bed and saying: "Not tonight, White Bear Lake." (No, really: Picture it.)

Where's St. Paul expending that pent-up energy? Trying to get rich: Its one low-ranking (meaning: sinful) strong point was finishing 20th in "greed," which measures charitable donations and gambling addictions. Minneapolis is even more money-hungry, as the 16th greediest metropole in this fair-to-middling country of ours.

Obviously, click-able online studies like this aren't perfect, but -- actually never mind, let's just assume this one got everything right. Minneapolis wants to make money, look good, and get laid. St. Paul only wants one of those things... though at least it's not gonna punch you or get all that jealous if it learns you're gettin' some. 

City Pages encourages you to leave additional general observations about the collective sexiness and sex lives of Minneapolis and St. Paul in the comments. Thank you.