When you think about Bigfoot speaking, what do you think?
"ROAR!" probably, right? Maybe "WOOF!" on those days when he just can't be bothered.
Certainly not this: "I don't want any trouble. But I also don't want any misinformation out there."
And yet, that's apparently what Gawain MacGregor, of Minneapolis, told authorities in North Carolina after a report circulated about Bigfoot sightings in that state, if you believe what gets printed in the New York Post. (Don't.)
The Post reports MacGregor (or "Bigfoot," as he was then known) was spotted in the woods outside Asheville, N.C., last Friday, dressed in his "homemade suit of raccoon pelts," and managed to get a pack of Sasquatch hunters in the area very excited. The excitement soon spread online after photos and reports were shared with a Facebook page called "Bigfoot 911," which you will probably want to look up now that you're aware of it.
News of the Bigfoot-spotter's tale of seeing "details of the creature" -- "eyes... farther apart than human eyes," he noted -- lasted only a few days, before MacGregor stepped in to correct the record. The "Bigfoot" they'd seen was just him in a very furry suit. (The original witness doesn't believe it, claiming his Carolina Sasquatch was eight feet tall.)
There's no Bigfoot wandering around the woods of North Carolina, MacGregor explained. That's silly. Bigfoot lives in the Upper Midwest.
According to MacGregor, who makes a living as a plumber in Minneapolis, he's had "encounters" with the (allegedly) mythical beast in three states: Minnesota (City Pages can confirm), Wisconsin, and Michigan. He's a big fan: MacGregor describes Bigfoot as an "angel of the forest," and says he's "looked him in the eye."
MacGregor says he doesn't think Sasquatch is a living wild animal, per se. He explains: "You have all these sightings and no one has been able to find a body. So, you either have these encounters that aren’t real or there’s a supernatural explanation."
[Editor's note: Hmmm.]
In a message to City Pages, MacGregor said: "There is no question in my mind: If you solemnly engage in the rituals of Enkiduism, you will encounter a Sasquatch."
Consider this your official Bigfoot tourism briefing. If you're looking for the big guy, no need to go south of the Mason-Dixon; try walking around the woods in Minnesota, engaging in ... those rituals, and you're bound to see ... something. Check if it responds to the name "MacGregor."