Petition: Replace columnist Joe Soucheray with 'Potato That Kinda Looks Like Him'

The potato looks like Joe Soucheray and is already more popular.

The potato looks like Joe Soucheray and is already more popular.

Joe Soucheray just tells it like it is. Like it is according to him.

The conservative Pioneer Press columnist and radio host makes no apologies for dispensing his harsh "garage logic" on the world. People who apologize for tellin' the truth are part of the problem.

Soucheray's perspective means a few things in this once-great but ever-declining country. Namely: Political correctness is undermining the American experience. Black kids, in schools, and black people, out on the streets, would be a whole lot better off if they just did what they're told and said "thank you, sir." Allowing transgender people to use the bathroom will get your daughter raped.

Let's stick with that last one for a moment. 

This week, the city of St. Paul has been horrified by reports of two sexual assaults on young girls in public. One girl was seven years old, the other five; unlike in most cases of this nature, the assailants were strangers, who preyed on their young victims during brief windows of vulnerability. 

That vulnerability didn't come when either girl was using a public bathroom. Both were literally pulled off the street.

Idea for a second petition: Get the potato a leather jacket.

Idea for a second petition: Get the potato a leather jacket.

But that doesn't matter, Joe's garage logic tells him

The two girls attacked in St. Paul are horribly traumatized. Their parents are traumatized. Well, in fact, we are all traumatized and yet there are those among us who can see the wisdom in letting an adult male wander into the bathroom, where your 10-year-old daughter or granddaughter is using the facility.
This is craziness born of the belief that it is somehow discriminatory to deprive people of their emotional needs. No, it isn’t. We all have emotional needs but most of us don’t expect the government to address them.
Those of us who don’t vote for the powerful left or belong to victim groups have to now deal with a loss of civility, the expectation of privacy and the entirely reasonable anxiety that a kid can’t even go to the bathroom without there first being a reconnaissance mission to clear the room, followed by standing guard.

It's vintage Soucheray: A what-if argument, a seamless segue from emotion to suggestion to reason, all designed to scare folks who are already a little confused. The bogeyman is political correctness, not the actual rapists. The "powerful left" and the"victim groups" would feed your little girl to the wolves.

This latest piece seems to have been the last straw for one reader. A man by the name of Lucas Cragg, of St. Paul, has started a petition to fix the Soucheray situation. It's brilliant.

"Joe Soucheray is a sad, sad man who has the English composition skills of a tortoise on quaaludes," reads the petition's first line, and it only gets better after that. 

Soucheray's lack of writing merit, compounded by his awful opinions, should disqualify him from the position of columnist at a major metro newspaper. Cragg has found a suitable replacement: A potato that "kinda looks like" him.

He is a continuing embarrassment to journalism, the town of St. Paul, and sentient life in general. A Potato That Kinda Looks Like Joe Soucheray, on the other hand, is a starchy, tuberous staple crop that is largely incapable of expressing any opinions whatsoever, and can be cooked and eaten if necessary.

There's more poetry and truth in those two lines than in the collected columns Joe Soucheray has produced this year. This decade. 

Readers are responding. The petition, addressed to the Pioneer Press, received more than 200 signatures since yesterday, a remarkable feat if you consider it's asking for a potato with absolutely no journalism experience to be handed sought-after column inches in the state's oldest newspaper

Somewhere out there — a garage, we'll guess — Joe's reading this and thinkin' it's just another "victim group," ready to take something from the straight white guy, who deserves it, and turn it over to some affirmative action freak pretendin' to be something it's not.

We at City Pages endorse this petition and this potato.