Personally, we were never big fans of Bernd Schmidt. Also, we didn't know who he was.
Turns out Schmidt, a German, held the Guinness World Record for the largest "mouth gape," a term we're frankly sorry to inform you exists. In 2016, Schmidt proved to the record keepers his piehole measured 8.8 centimeters (or 3.46 inches), top to bottom.
That distance from tooth to tooth broke a 12-year-old mark and solidified Schmidt's place in orifice history. Schmidt said the honor was "unbelievable," and told the folks at Guinness he was excited to share the news with his family.
Suck it, Schmidts: This year, Isaac Johnson of Bloomington, Minnesota, got his mouth officially measured and shattered the existing mark.
Johnson's mouth gape (we're sorry!) is 9.67 centimeters (3.67 inches), a leap of almost 10 percent over the old record. This is the mouth-opening equivalent of Bob Beamon at the 1968 Olympics, with literally the only difference being Beamon's record was for running and jumping and Johnson's was for letting a dentist put a caliper in his mouth.
Said mouth is probably still widening as we speak: Johnson's only 14 (!), and says it was "three centimeters short" when he first measured a couple years ago.
In a video celebrating Johnson's record, the local teen can be seen comfortably fitting fruits, a baseball, a stacked sandwich, and a 20-ounce plastic bottle into his internationally certified tooth cave.
What's next for the pride of Bloomington? Johnson says he's really good at the Chubby Bunny game. Maybe there's a future in that? "I don't really know what the future holds right now," Johnson says.
You and us both, Isaac.