A very dumb man is out some money and one panda head after a couple recent stunts on Minnesota highways.
Or: A very bright and ambitious panda has learned to ride a motorcycle, and is being framed for crimes it did not commit by the Minnesota State Patrol.
Definitely one of those two, though.
The state patrol shared the curious case with its Facebook followers on Tuesday afternoon. Rarely does a post from a law enforcement agency start with these lines -- "So. Many. Questions." -- though frankly we can't think of a better response to this image.
Some of the questions one might ask:
- Would a panda be a good motorcyclist? Do the claws give them really good grip, or does that big panda body make the whole thing top heavy?
- This panda was caught driving on I-394; do we imagine he was commuting from downtown Minneapolis, back to life with the wife and kids in the suburbs? Or to downtown Minneapolis, where he's living the wild life of a bachelor panda?
- Do you think he knows how to zipper merge?
- Has anyone studied if pandas are more likely to be pulled over if the officer perceives the panda as a black bear with a white face, or a white bear with black eyes and arms?
- Know how they're always complaining about how the pandas at the zoo won't have sex? Does riding a crotch rocket make this panda more fuckable? Or would this be a non-starter for a panda afraid of upsetting her parents back in China?
These will remain unanswered, as not one of them is addressed in the State Patrol's Facebook status. A few other things are cleared up though. The jackass seen here told the patrolmen who pulled him over that he'd been recording his rides, and hoped to go "viral."
Guess what, buddy? You still might. Probably not in the way you planned.
"The driver was cited for reckless driving," the post reads, "and the panda head was confiscated."
See the whole post below.