Mischke show notes: June 4, 2009

  • Take a look at this lightning bolt from a photograph in today's LA Times. For some strange, mysterious reason I felt compelled to print out that photo, and carefully remove the lightning bolt from it. I placed the bolt on a US map so that the top of the lightning touched the Twin Cities. I then followed the path of the bolt with my finger to see where it lead. The result was a small town in southwestern Kansas. There, I found Sam's Barber Shop. I'm going to call Sam's today, and I truly feel something magical is going to happen.
Actual comments made by Police Officers... These comments were taken off various police car videos in the Midwest:
  • 'You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through.'
  • 'Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while.'
  • 'If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document.'
  • 'If you run, you'll just go to jail tired.'
  • 'Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you.'
  • 'Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. I'm the shift supervisor?'
  • 'Warning? You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you yet another ticket. '
  • 'Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop.'
  • 'Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.'
  • 'How big would you say those two beers you had were exactly.'
  • 'No sir, we don't have quotas. We used to, but now we're encouraged to write as many tickets as we possibly can.'
  • 'I'm glad to hear the Chief is a personal friend of yours. It's good to know someone who can post your bail.'
  • 'You didn't think we give pretty women tickets, eh? Well you're right, we don't. Sign here.'
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