Thousands of advice books tell parents how to turn their house into a home.
Here we have one video that will turn every Minnesota home into a potential crime scene.
The Department of Public Safety (DPS) published a video yesteday called "DRUGS + YOUR KIDS: Learning to Recognize the Signs." This title fails on two levels, first ignoring the chance to finish the math equation, like "DRUGS + YOUR KIDS = BAD," or "DRUGS + YOUR KIDS - FROZEN PIZZA = CRISIS."
The bigger problem's with that subtitle though. "Learning to Recognize the Signs." Sounds helpful, like the experts are going to tell you how to spot troubling developments that might indicate a child's slipping into substance abuse. A sudden drop in grades, maybe. Weird moods. Weight loss. New sleeping habits.
But that's not what this video's about. In its second scene, a deputy with the Washington County Sheriff's office gives parents a step-by-step guide on how to toss your kid's room like you've been raising the El Chapo of the Upper Midwest.
"Even good kids can make poor decisions," the deputy says. "Whether your child is an athlete" -- (Editor's note: Probably on painkillers) -- "or a straight-A student" -- (Editor's note: Adderall) -- "or a band member" -- (Editor's note: weed, mushrooms, acid, Viagra, everything else) -- "even the best of kids can get wrapped up with the wrong crowds."
Start suspecting your offspring today! If your kid seems like a nice, bright, accomplished young person, this is most likely a cover for their secret life as a shiftless drug addict.
The deputy then proceeds to pick stuff up off the nightstand, lift up the mattress, and do a deep dive through this hypothetical teen's wardrobe.
"When was the last time you actually went through your kid's clothes?" the deputy asks.
If you answered, "Never," you're a bad parent/renegade DEA agent played by Collin Farrell, and can only pray it's not too late to find your kid's stash.
Go ahead and watch this video if you want to learn how to ruin your life, and your kid's, by turning every square inch of your home into a potential clue in the next major American drug bust.
Alternative adice: Try talking to the kid. Does he seem high? This is one of "the Signs" he's on drugs. Find out if he needs help. Or a glass of water.
Oh, and teenagers? We encourage you to watch this video posthaste to catch up on a bunch of clever little hidey spots you haven't thought of. Have you ever heard of a compact disc?
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