Remember last week, when -50-degree wind chill made us all prisoners in our own homes, and all the news media could talk about was how cold it was in Chicago?
Well, grumble no longer, Minnesotans. Finally, we’ve gotten the recognition we deserve for the one thing we do better than anyone else: endure terrible winters. Thrillist has ranked each state for their “horrible” winters -- based on everything from average temperatures to how much their winter sports teams suck.
We did it. We won.
We won over Michigan, which came in second place, and even Alaska, which came in third. Wisconsin, our rival in all things Midwestern and miserable, has to praise us from its lowly place at No. 7, and Illinois is forgotten at No. 13. This may be the only quality-of-life-related list in existence where we win and Hawaii, at No. 50, eats our icy dust.
It’s pretty obvious why we’re the champions of frozen-over hell. There are places in the north of our state that get “up to 170 inches” of snow, or as Thrillist put it, “two-and-a-half times the height of Kent Hrbek!!” We sometimes see temperatures as low as -60, which eats away at the skin in a matter of minutes. Plus, our sports teams never win championships, and “ice fishing can’t be that cool, really.”
“To think of the generally cheerful brood of Nordic-bred people being the winners in any sort of a contest of misery seems downright crazy,” our entry reads. “But for all those adorable don’tcha knows, we think something else is going on. We think beneath that eternal Nordic happiness is some inner pain, trapped below the surface like a Grain Belt dropped into an ice fishing hole, a cauldron of hot anger ready to spill out like a cut-open Juicy Lucy.”
That’s us! They’re talking about us!
Maybe what the frozen Minnesotan heart really craves is a little validation from our out-of-state neighbors. We want someone, anyone, to acknowledge that, yes, we really do have winters that want to crush our spirits and eat our flesh; that, yes, we have every reason to complain -- even if most of us don’t.
“So to all the Eriks, the Astrids, and Christens, and Bjorns, and Brynjars, it’s okay to show a little displeasure at the clusterfuck of a meteorological hand you’ve been dealt,” Thrillist says.
And really, we might as well. We’ve earned it.