I recently came across a strange Michele Bachmann artifact that dates to long before her disasterous appearance on Hardball. It's a Christmas letter she wrote in 2003, her third year as a state senator. While retaining a whiff of the usual braggadocio one expects from a seasonal form letter--son Lucas is pre-med, daughter Sophia is a parent's dream--it reads less like a Christmas card and more like Bachmann's attempt to pimp her children out to the most wholesome conservative bidders.
Lucas is a pre-med school “chick magnet” at the University of Minnesota who has an affinity for Mexican dancing. “Areebah!” Bachmann proclaims at mention of this, suggesting that the Congresswoman's only knowledge of Mexican culture has been learned through Speedy Gonzalez cartoons. As soon as he gets into medical school his mom plans to “crank up the heat” in finding him a good wife to clean up after him. She even has a classified ad in mind: "Chick magnate (sic) needs wife to put him through med school, clean house, pay bills and run his life. Must be willing to gamble against onslaught of socialized medicine diminishing return on investment."
Sixteen-year-old Harrison has all the makings to be a good a husband, Bachmann explains, referring to him as "utter perfection" (a term that becomes a proper noun later in the letter, i.e. "Utter Perfection"). He is also, rather creepily, referred to as a "female fantasy treasure." For the fun of it, I punched "female fantasy treasure" into Google--the results were not suitable for a family Christmas letter.
But Bachmann doesn't stop there. Her other daughter, Elisa, was well into wifehood training in 2003, when she was 13. Elisa is "ORGANIZED!" Bachmann proclaims, which means she was "born to be the perfect wife and mother." But Elisa comes with a disclaimer: "Future mates will have to apply as she does not advertise herself. Thank God for her modesty; she tries desperately to set an example for her mother." Judging from the Hardball appearance, it was a losing effort.
Bachmann introduces her next daughter with an odd reference to plural marriage: "King Henry had his 6 wives, and if our Caroline had been one of them I think she would have been called Caroline the Vibrant." Mom offers little explanation for this designation, but goes on to reveal Caroline's waist size, saying that she "pulls jeans over her 14" hips," which sounds like a line from a mail-order wife catalog.
Last comes Sophia, who is too young for a husband and therefore will have to spend the rest of her life caring for her crazy mother. "A hundred years ago families designated a sacrifice lamb that forsook marriage in favor of caring for aging parents," Bachmann explains. Those were the good ol' days, before penile enlargement emails.
The next paragraph begins with a non sequitur: "In an effort to find a pair of scissors, my Bible, socks and numerous and sundry mislaid items, I decided to de-clutter all 5 bedrooms ..." One is left with the impression that Bachmann was preparing some kind of Jesus-themed sock puppet show.
As for her husband, Marcus, Michele announces the exciting news that he has just opened "Bachmann & Associates Christian Counseling Center," which, according to its website, specializes in "abuse issues," "co-dependency," "men's and women's issues," "shame," and "spiritual issues." "Conveniently located, Marcus and his professional staff are poised to care for those you've always wanted to make an appointment for," the letter cheerfully notes. Makes a great Christmas gift for that shame-addled person in your life!
Toward the end of the letter, Bachmann offers a hint at how her spirituality may be comforting her in the wake of the Hardball Incident. "[God] knows the number of hairs on our skin and He loves us enough to keep our lives off-balance," she writes prophetically. "He seems to allow enough glitches to remind us that this gig is temporary and that we'll find our Real Home is our Eternal Home."
Michele Bachmann may not have a place in Congress, but she will always have a seat in heaven.
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