Michele Bachmann warns of the Hezbollah Cuban Missile Crisis that isn't happening
Michele Bachmann is here to warn you about Cuba, Hezbollah, and everything else.
Michele Bachmann is plunging deeper and deeper into the informational abyss these days, pulling out whatever kind of fact-like thing she stumbles on and throwing it at her wide-eyed audiences, which grow smaller and less connected by the day.
In other words, things are getting back to normal.
Yesterday, in front of her home crowd of Iowans, Bachmann was asked a question about Cuba, the poor little island run by a mostly-dead cigar spokesman that hasn't produced anything but major league baseball pitchers for about 30 years.
But, on the basis of a fraction of unconfirmed gossip she read on a fringe website, Michele Bachmann is prepared to warn us about the thing that no other candidate is talking about, because it's not true: The second Cuban Missile Crisis, as brought to you by Hezbollah, China, Obamacare, thistle seed and teleprompters.
Bachmann warned the crowd that Hezbollah, the militant Islamic group based in Lebanon, is thinking about putting missiles and military bases in Cuba. Yes, that's right: A totally religious militia is going to work with the Godless commies 15,000 miles away, just to rile up and put the fright into Uncle Sam.
Michele Bachmann, Fidel Castro: Resurrecting the retro villain.
Bachmann fielded a question from an audience member who appreciated her stance on Cuba, which, Bachmann had pointed out, is one of only four officially-named state sponsors of terror by the U.S. State Department. Never mind that it was Ronald Reagan's state department that gave Cuba that designation, back in March of 1982 -- for Bachmann, neither Reagan nor terrifying rumors will ever be out of style.
"There's reports that have come out that Cuba has been working with another terrorist organization called Hezbollah," Bachmann explained, sounding like a kindergarten teacher.
"And Hezbollah is potentially looking at wanting to be a part of missile sites in Iran [sic, we think? Who knows?]. And of course, when you're 90 miles off shore from Florida, you don't want to entertain the prospect of hosting bases or sites where Hezbollah can have training camps, or perhaps have missile sites or weapons site in Cuba."
Oh, God, this is stunning news! Where did Michele learn this stuff? As Crooks and Liars points out, it came originally from the Italian newspaper Corriere Della Serra. From there it was picked up by Investor's Business Daily, and finally it almost certainly reached Bachmann's consciousness through conservative sites like "The Blaze," Glenn Beck's "news" website.
The original report is slightly less, uh, interesting than Michele had it. As Investor's Business Daily's editorial explained, three (!) Hezbollah terrorists had left Mexico to start a terrorism operation out of Cuba, where they might later be joined by 26 others, for a total of 29. Their estimated start-up budget to launch attacks is $500,000. Leave aside that there's absolutely no source for this information, and that the three wise men were already in Mexico, which is closer to the U.S. than Cuba. Just focus on this: There's actually no mention of any "missiles" in either report.
Fact, or its absence, has never stopped Bachmann from saying something. And so she plowed on, in a rambling answer that included how you are personally buying military jets for China, how bad Obamacare really is -- maybe she got caught up in thinking about socialism? -- the proper way to deal with Iowan thistle seed... really, everything is in there, if you think about it.
Then again, maybe you should try not to. She certainly didn't.
Get the This Week's Top Stories Newsletter
Every week we collect the latest news, music and arts stories — along with film and food reviews and the best things to do this week — so that you’ll never miss City Pages' biggest stories.