Michele Bachmann: God sent Hurricane Irene to carry me to the White House

When Michele Bachmann squints, she can see God's will.

When Michele Bachmann squints, she can see God's will.

Oh, God. No, really, that's not an expression. It's a plea.

In rare form these days, -- welcome back, crazy! -- Michele Bachmann told a crowd in Florida that the earthquake that rocked Washington, D.C., last week and Hurricane Irene, which drenched the East Coast over the weekend and left at least 16 people dead, are nothing more than God encouraging you to vote for her.

What's the Almighty so pissed about? Why, Barack Obama and his tax plan, of course!

The quotes, as caught by the St. Petersburg Times during an event in Sarasota yesterday, ought to be enough to finally kill off that weird, highly polished robot Michele Bachmann who'd been running for president as a low-tax, low-spend fiscal conservative in recent months.

Witness: the resurrection of Michele Bachmann, maniac church lady.


Bachmann has a warning for Obama... from God.

Bachmann has a warning for Obama... from God.

Bachmann led into her explanation of God's will with some of her greatest hits, first trying to use something that seemed like slang in describing how America used to be great:

"We were the number-one creditor nation in the world. In other words, we were the big king daddy dog, lending to all the other countries in the world."

Yes, well. "Big king daddy dog." Those are other words -- words not yet strung together in the history of the English-speaking peoples, but definitely words.

After several consecutive moments of sanity, Bachmann revived the kind of the stuff that made the most extreme elements of the Tea Party love her, saying first that Americans just want to return to the Constitution.

Then, according to the St. Pete Times, came the debut of Michele Bachmann, Theologian, Seismologist, and Meteorologist.

"I don't know how much God has to do to get the attention of the politicians. We've had an earthquake; we've had a hurricane. He said, 'Are you going to start listening to me here?' Listen to the American people because the American people are roaring right now. They know government is on a morbid obesity diet and we've got to rein in the spending."
Amen, sister. Blessed are those that don't mourn, for they shall be comforted by how goddamn crazy they are.

Just to look at this thinking in pieces -- without breaking it apart, because who knows what sort of toxic stuff is inside -- Michele is arguing that 1) God hit America with an earthquake and a hurricane because taxes on the wealthy are too high; 2) God personally threatened a fistfight with Barack Obama and Harry Reid; 3) Actually, Americans caused the hurricane, what with all their "roaring,"  and 4) Actually the government caused the earthquake, because it is morbidly obese, and just shifting in its seat registered 5.8 on the Richter scale and stirred 100-mile-an-hour winds on the Atlantic.

Got it? No? Good.

Oh, finally, to the families of those 16 people who were killed by Hurricane Irene: Michele Bachmann will get around to mourning your loss, right after she tells you God did it to you on purpose because of the capital gains tax -- but probably not before she says some awful shit like this again.