Merch Dudes

Ward Sutton

Physical Characteristics: Dreadlocked with dirty fingernails and rusted money clips. The alpha order wears leather bicycle gloves.

Natural Habitat: One or two blocks away from rock concerts or professional sports events.

Personal Disposition: Hustlin'.

Evolutionary Purpose: To make white people feel good about themselves for buying something from a minority that isn't blow.

Place on the Food Chain: Higher than Hot Dog Vendor, lower than Beer Guy.

Feeding Behavior: They rumble in from out of town, take whatever they can, then leave in search of the holy grail of merchdom: Bon Jovi live in concert with special guest Wu-Tang Clan.

Mating Call: "Signed McCain photos! Getcher signed McCain photos! Twenty each or two for thirty!"

Weapon of Choice: Catchy designs, cool-looking bumper stickers, white guilt.

Your Best Defense: Visa or MasterCard.

Danger Level: They can strip a wallet to bones and dust in five minutes flat.


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