Legendary North Dakota: Top 8 Reasons No-Dak Is So Damn Sexy!
North Dakota has a bar and three women. Legendary.
By now, you've no doubt heard about North Dakota's new "Legendary" ad campaign, which markets No-Dak as a state of skanks ready to have sex with any Tucker Max-clone willing to sit in a window and drink beer.
But that's not the only thing Legendary about North Dakota. You don't get a nationwide reputation as The Sexiest State in the Union™ just by rounding up three trollops in pastel dresses willing to stand outside the window of the only beer garden in town.
Which is why the North Dakota Tourism Board has taken the logical next step in its marketing campaign and released this list of the sexiest, most erotic -- dare we say, "Legendary?" -- sights to see in North Dakota.
8. Men From No-Dak Go Tanning in Banana Hammocks
Forget Jersey Shore, North Dakotans are the masters of GTL, asthis sign
in Jamestown, ND, makes clear. Just look at the blue banana hammock on that buff No-Dak stud, who is clearly about to get freaky from behind with a J-Woww lookalike. Indeed, this may be the most "legendary" tanning sign on the Internet. Just one piece of advice: if you plan to visit in January, you might want to bundle up a bit more, lest you end up with a frozen banana.
7. Candy is Dandy, But Liquor is Quicker
Lookin' for a party? The No-Daks know how to have a legendarily good time. So legendary, in fact, that it lands them in jail more often than anywhere else in country. According to the CDC, North Dakota leads the nation in number of DUI arrests. They've also got the rest of the union beat in rates of binge and underage drinking. Maybe averaging five drinks or more in one sitting is considered legendary in Connecticut -- in North Dakota, that's called Tuesday.
6. In North Dakota, It's Always Raining Men
Sex in the City? How about Sex in the Corn Field! WhenCosmo
recently went looking for eligible bachelors, it found some No-Dak hunks. There's Jesse Regan, who likes when you call him with your problems and--according to his ex--still needs some work. Or Andy DeGidio, who says about himself: "I'm not the craziest guy out there, but I'm not the most reserved." No wonder he's so Legendary!
5. North Dakotans Can Suck A Golf Ball Through An Udder
Milk is the state's official beverage, and from the looks of things, it's coming straight from the udder. Pass me some of that 2%, hot stuff! (The photo is of the country's largest cow statue, located in New Salem. It's Legen-dairy!)
4. You May Be the Only Fish in This Sexy Sea
Until recent years, North Dakota was legendary for residents --particularly those with college degrees--getting the fuck out of there as soon as possible. That's resulted in decades of downward sloping population numbers. The naughts saw the population grow slightly, in part due to an increase in oil industry jobs (sexy). Clearly those aren't lecherous stares in the original "Legendary" ad, they're all just saying, "Holy shit, you guys! PEOPLE!"
3. No-Dak Measures Sexiness by the Pound
The corn-fed beauties of North Dakota like to wear lacy underthings, which is why Fargo is home to "Sexy By The Pound," a plus-size lingerie store. Just like the buffet at the Golden Corral, you'll save by shopping in volume--use this coupon to buy two and get one free!
2. Bismarck is the Capital of Sexiness
If you're still not convinced that North Dakota is the nation's prime destination for romance, just take a look at Bismarck, home of the most phallic state capitol building in the country. Erected 19-stories high--the state's tallest building--the capitol is a symbol that North Dakotans are always standing at attention and in the mood.
1. Drill, Baby, Drill
The western part of No-Dak is currently experiencing an oil boom the likes of which aren't usually seen this side of Saudi Arabia. The entire state's economy based on something repeatedly drilling in and out of a hole?
Get the This Week's Top Stories Newsletter
Every week we collect the latest news, music and arts stories — along with film and food reviews and the best things to do this week — so that you’ll never miss City Pages' biggest stories.
- Sketchy Toby Keith's I Love This Bar and Grill empire crumbles
Sat., Oct. 17, 12:00am
Sun., Oct. 18, 12:00pm
Fri., Oct. 23, 7:00pm
Sat., Oct. 24, 7:00pm
- Anti-abortion investigators' shocking revelation: U does research
- Top 5 Hate Mails of the Week: 'I can't believe Shitty Pages...'