comScore

Laura Loomer and Jacob Wohl came to Minneapolis for God knows what reason

Laura Loomer, pictured here doing... something, is easily frightened, which makes her a bigger threat to Minneapolis and its people than an asset.

Laura Loomer, pictured here doing... something, is easily frightened, which makes her a bigger threat to Minneapolis and its people than an asset. Periscope

Dear Minneapolis:

Did you sense an odd presence in town this past weekend? Did you feel endangered?

You weren't. No more than normal, anyway, which is to say: almost not at all, given the Twin Cities' virtually non-existent crime rate and its status as a decently run participatory democracy whose scariest threat day-to-day is...[clicks back to other tab] accumulated snowfall.

You wouldn't know this if you paid any attention to the pointless and clueless adventures of fear-mongering right-wing conspiracist grifters Laura Loomer and Jacob Wohl, who felt the need to visit this city in person to chase down... something or other relating to DFL U.S. Rep. Ilhan Omar, a freshman member of Congress whose scariest trait is how good she is at politics at such a young age.

Honestly we can't tell what Laura and Jacob were after, but they seemed to be interested in making shit up about Minneapolis and the people who live in it. 

What else is new?

Here's state Rep. Pat Garofalo, a Republican from exurban Farmington, calling them out for some bullshit about "no go" zones in the Cedar-Riverside neighborhood, a myth oft-perpetuated on Fox News by "journalist" and hand-washing expert Pete Hegseth.

And here's local independent journalist and public records wiz Tony Webster exposing Loomer's and Wohl's weirdo followers as the types who are just as fearsome as they are fearful.

There's also a clip of someone claiming Loomer and Wohl had a crack team of ex-military men standing just off-camera to protect them from... we dunno. People shoveling out each other's cars and buying each other beers? [Shrug.] 

We'd feel bad about giving the Loomer/Wohl duo even the slightest bit of ink, but if they're going to visit, and play out scenes like some fifth-rate Scooby and Scrappy Doo, we should at least laugh out loud at how utterly useless and stupid their efforts are. 

For the record, there are no "no go" zones in the Twin Cities, the Cedar-Riverside neighborhood is swell, East African immigrants and refugees are welcome here, and Ilhan Omar seems, already, like she'll be an effective member of Congress. We're optimistic. 

Unlike these startled "foreigners," who remain convinced they're on the case of something or other. We at City Pages can't make heads or tails of it, but do know they're asking for money. Begging for it. They're on the case and nervous, and need your help. Send help.

For our part, we can't find our wallets, and don't care to go looking. But we do know some of the best places to eat in the neighborhoods they're afraid of. And yet, for some reason, we don't feel like inviting Laura or Jacob or their top-notch security team to lunch the next time they come around. 

Also, this:

Hey Laura and Jacob: Ask (witless descendant of Scandinavian immigrants) Tomi Lahren what happens to people like you when you come to Minneapolis to warn us about ourselves. Short answer: You might leave feeling slightly wet and laughed at

Tune in to Fox News and/or Alex Jones today to learn more about shit that does not exist, and never will, but instills fear into the hearts of the heartless. We in Minneapolis-St. Paul have better things to do, including -- but not limited to -- shoveling snow, going to work, and loving our neighbors, new or not. 

We'd say we wish Laura Loomer and Jacob Wohl the best with whatever the hell it is they think they're working on. But we don't. We just wish they'd leave us alone and keep our name out of their mouths.