Kim Kardashian is a famous body that grew up in luxury in southern California. Kardashian's body just got married to Kris Humphries, the gigantic Minnesota native who played professional basketball back when playing professional basketball was a thing people did.
Because Kardashian's body is so important, the very idea that it would be slid into a wedding dress got not one, but two enormous specials on the E! network. These time capsules of Americana are called "Kim's Fairytale Wedding," and have reduced virtually all of the civilized world to tears of joy, and confusion, and convulsive illness.
But perhaps Minnesota should take a closer look at Mrs. Kardashian. No, not there. Look up -- look at her mouth! What did she just say about us?
As breathlessly reported by US Weekly, Humphries -- who, God help us all, apparently goes by the nickname "The Hump" -- was telling Kardashian that she should want a more low-key ceremony than the lavish one she knew America wanted her to have.
"I live in a different world," Kardashian said to Humphries. "I was definitely raised in a different world than like -- yeehaw! -- Minnesota. And that's fine."
Uh, Kim Kardashian's body? Why don't you take a seat on Kim Kardashian's ass, and rethink that whole thing. Because that's not fine.
"Yeehaw"? Is Kim Kardashian's head under the impression that Minnesota is still some unsettled territory, with cattle grazing by the steps of the State Capitol? Does she think that before Bob Dylan wrote the best lyrics in the 20th century he made his living as a rodeo clown?
Is she aware that one can sometimes see the artist currently known as Prince, in the flesh, ducking in and out of First Avenue, right here in Minnesota, without a lasso in sight? (Okay, it's Prince: Maybe there is one lasso.)
Kardashian got a good dose of telling-off in C.J.'s Star Tribune column this morning, with the professional gossip asking, "Like -- to quote an ersatz sophisticate -- where the heck is Yee-haw?"
Fortunately, Humphries -- by which we mean the writing staff at E! which manufactures Kardashian's "life" -- had a pretty quick comeback.
"Four years ago you sold clothes in a boutique in the Valley," he said. "Now, like all the sudden, you're miss princess!"
Yes, she is, Kris. Princess of E!, queen of the sex tape... and now, it seems, Dutchess of Dumping on Minnesota.
On another note, City Pages would like to congratulate the Hump-dashians on their matrimony. Best of luck, you seem like a sweet couple.