Katherine Kersten's queer notions about marriage

This lady thinks your marriage is bullshit.

This lady thinks your marriage is bullshit.

The Twin Cities buzzed all week in anticipation: Katherine Kersten, the Star Tribune's conservative scold, would be addressing the topic of gay marriage in Sunday's edition.

And now we have the result: a string of logic more tortured than an Abu Ghraib prisoner.

The article has already racked up 394 angry comments, including this one which is highlighted and given more prominence than the original article:

Katherine is an embarassment to the Strib

Yes she is, and this is an embarassment of an opinion piece. We went through it paragraph by paragraph, and it felt like following the bread crumbs of a crazy woman.

1-3. Don't understand how letting homos get hitched will damage your heterosexual union? A straight, middle-aged, school marm has the surprising answer.

4. The primary purpose of marriage is to produce children by harnessing men's animalistic sexual urges toward a constructive end. That, at least, is what Katherine keeps telling Mr. Kersten, AKA "The Unluckiest Man in Minnesota."

5. Gay marriage would magically transform the institution of marriage from one centered on children to one centered on adults. Also, zoos would feature unicorns.

6. Cats and dogs, living together. IT'S ALREADY HAPPENING!

7.  Today, only 59 percent of children still live with both parents. This is the fault of the gays, not divorce.

8. Oh yeah, all you married couples without kids? Your vow is totally worthless, even if it was in a church.

9. The word "expand" is in quotes. Scare quotes.

10. KK goes coo-coo in 5 ... 4... 3 ...

Once marriage is stripped of its organic purpose, why restrict it to two people? Two lesbians and the sperm donor for their child, polygamists, bisexuals: All will want society to recognize and respect their relationships.

11. And now, to tie it back to that crazy Global Warming hoax, let's just be honest and call it what it is: Moral Pollution.

It's ironic that in other realms of life, Americans are very aware of the risks of tampering excessively with nature. Many of those urging us to transform humankind's fundamental social institution are the very people who preach about such risks in the environmental context and warn that the actions of individuals affect the well-being of all. The natural world, they say, can stretch only so far before breaking as we tinker with the realities of its systems.

We understand little about how marriage has undergirded the order and prosperity we take for granted. We tamper with marriage at our peril.

Which is exactly why heterosexual divorce must not be legalized.