Joe Biden coming to Edina to raise funds for ruling party

Hey kids! Have you heard the news? Joe Biden, America's perma-grinning zany uncle, will be in Edina tonight to raise funds for his party's re-election efforts!

The event is expected to attract a diverse group of wealthy progressives devoted to helping the little guy-- more specifically, the kind of people who understand that the best way to do so is not through charity work or setting up scholarship funds, but by donating healthy amounts of cash to political machinery ostensibly devoted to progressive ends. (Plus, the cocktail-fueled conversations are more interesting, it feels cool to be seen, and networking opportunities abound in a way that makes voluntary philanthropy look antiquated and hence totally not worth it. What's the point of being compassionate if nobody knows you're compassionate?)

In order to attend the dinner party--which will be hosted by business executive Robert Pohlad, heir to financier/ex-Twins owner Carl Pohlad--attendees will need to splurge $7,600. Couples get in for $15,200. (Which, mathematically speaking, should go without saying, but is nonetheless mentioned in the invitation).

Now if you're like us, and your self-esteem depends on receiving arbitrary accolades from high-level public servants, you might want to consider forking over $30,400. Doing so will buy you the right to be referred to as a "co-chair." Important-sounding! It's a great resume-builder for suburban arm chair liberals whose overprivledged socioeconomic backgrounds have provided them the insight to know what's best for poor people.

Proceeds will go to the Democratic National Committee and President Obama's own political organization.