At the Values Voter Summit in Washington over the weekend, former Minnesota Congresswoman Michele Bachmann called President Trump a “committed believer” and a “man of faith.” Those claims were quickly disputed by God.
In a rare interview Sunday, God’s son and spokesperson, Jesus H. Christ, said his father wished not to get in a public quarrel with Bachmann, considered a towering intellect within the religious right. “My dad has always been fond of her, since she’s a constant reminder of His own fallibility, which keeps him humble,” says Christ. “And her voodoo eyes crack him up.”
But God nonetheless felt compelled to challenge Bachmann’s assertions, considering how frequently the president violates the 10 Commandments. “He just mauls them,” said Jesus. “Our only guess is that he thinks they were written by Obama.”
Christ, regarded as a significant deity in his own right, says Trump has repeatedly defied his Father’s rules on adultery and coveting thy neighbor’s wife. Though his Father doesn’t want to be “a tight-ass,” the president hasn’t earned much right to a break.
“‘Grab ‘em by the pussy?’ I’m just not seeing a lot of wiggle room there,” said Christ.
Perhaps more significantly, Trump appears to entirely disregarded the Love Thy Neighbor edict. Jesus pointed to the president’s reluctance to help Puerto Rico, as well as his many attempts to repeal Obamacare, thus throwing millions of people off their health care coverage.
“What?” asks Jesus. “Is there any part of ‘love thy neighbor’ where it says ‘except for the lady next door with the breast cancer?’”
Yet what particularly fills God’s ire is Trump’s attempts to gut environmental laws, which will hasten the destruction of Earth, an orb God regards as one of His better planets.
“Yeah, Dad’s totally pissed about this,” said Jesus. “Like locust and floods kind of pissed. You wanna know what Jesus would do? Stop shitting on my dad’s favorite stuff.”
It’s come to the point, said Christ, that God briefly considered sending Jesus’ younger brother, Jimmy, down to Earth as the Second Coming, if only to “punch [EPA director] Scott Pruitt in the face.” That plan was eventually quashed because God didn’t want to burn through too many Comings, since he just did one 2,000 years ago. God was also concerned that Jimmy would be barred from America due to His family’s Middle Eastern origins.
A more likely possibility is a major rewrite of the Bible. Among the major themes considered for the chopping block is free will.
“Dad’s had to do a lot of soul-searching,” said Christ. “You look at an ISIS, or a Bashar Assad, or a Mitch McConnell, and you can’t help but think, ‘Hey, maybe this free will thing has run its course.’”
Still, Jesus went to lengths to assert that his Father doesn’t dislike Trump. “Dad’s still working the love everybody game. He’s been pretty consistent on that.”
Any decision on the president’s entry to Heaven will await his arrival at the Pearly Gates. Jesus admits the odds aren’t good.
“St. Peter’s guys haven’t been able to tune up a guy like this since Pol Pot showed up in ’98,” said Christ. “I hate to say it, but when this guy knocks on the door, it’s gonna get pretty Old Testament around here.”