Iowans Attempt to Place Karl Rove Under Citizens' Arrest

Say what you will about our neighbors to the south. In the months since relocating to the Twin Cities from Ioway, I’ve learned that few punching bags endure as much ribbing and ridicule as my home state and those who inhabit it. (Though after last month’s flood, the jokes suddenly dried up, presumably out of respect or pity or other such Minnesota Nice claptrap.)

If nothing else, you’ve got to hand it to Iowans for their determination. More specifically, their inimitable resolve to snatch up Karl Rove and place the doughy gnome where he belongs, which is to say squarely behind bars. For the second time in six months, Iowa denizens tried to place Rove under citizens’ arrest, this time while the former White House advisor was in Des Moines for a fundraiser. A quixotic endeavor, to be sure (the four would-be captors were subsequently arrested themselves), and, yes, a tad sophomoric— but also weirdly endearing. I must confess that upon reading this morning’s headline (“Iowans Attempt to Arrest Karl Rove”), my heart swelled with a state pride not felt since the lily white state gave Hillary Clinton the proverbial finger, opting instead for a rookie senator named Barack Hussein Obama.

For whatever reason, Rove has not been threatened with arrest—by citizens or otherwise—in any other state to date. It seems that in other parts of the country, people are intimidated by Rove. Or maybe they’re more levelheaded and pragmatic. Or maybe they despise Rove free-of-fear, and are merely too complacent/deferential to take matters into their own soft hands.

But not in Iowa. The state's can-do attitude is much lauded, but it is usually associated with agriculture or education or shitty nu-metal. It is thus a little-known secret that Iowans will—will!—seize you by the lapels if you happen to be a pasty-faced, piggly war criminal* with a crazed history of duplicity, baseless smear attacks, and psychotic fear-mongering.

So tread lightly through the cornfields, Mr. Rumsfeld. Your day might soon come.

*Admittedly, "war criminal" might be a bit of a stretch. But you get the idea.

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