Wipe that smug look off your face, Iowa. Yeah, we're talking to you, you corn-growing, Slipknot-listening sacks of hog feed. A flawed new poll may have hailed you as the most American state in the country, but we Minnesotans know the land of a crapload of lakes is the true 'Merican heartland.
Real estate website Estately tallied a bunch of weird stats to rank how American each member of the union is. The blog looked at U.S.A. Facebook likes, bald eagles per square mile, fast food joints per capita, households with firearms, and “Bin Laden dead” Google searches among other bogus (but pretty funny) categories that screwed over our great state.
Sure, your freakishly good wrestlers and gymnasts helped Iowan athletes win the sixth most gold medals of any state, and you're weirdly good at producing astronauts and pro baseball players. But to peg boring-drive country (OK, we're not much better) as the most American while patriotic Minnesota sits at No. 28 is a mistake.
Estately smartly finds that Minnesota has the sixth most bald eagles per square mile and is among the top half of states that love reading about Osama's death (naturally West Virginia was No. 1). However, we kinda stunk in all the other categories. Maybe Minnesota's Olympians aren't often draped with gold and our ballplayers rarely turn pro. But Lindsey Vonn and Tiger Woods were totally a celebrity couple, which is way more American.
While you early primary voters (which makes you look super desperate for attention, btw) are busy rooting for your college sports, we're finding new places to put cheese in burgers and buying junk we don't need at the Mall of America – the capital of American consumerism. In true American spirit, our mix of right-wing nut jobs and nanny-state liberals opt for divided government, which can't agree on much, but usually finds a way to spend taxpayer money on sports stadiums.
Speaking of politicians, our vice presidents Hubert Humphrey and Walter Mondale had way more swagger than Iowa-reared Henry Wallace, and we're blaming you for Michele Bachmann since she was born in Waterloo.
So, g'head Iowa, enjoy this moment of faulty list fame propelling you above Ohio, West Virginia, 'Bama, and South Dakota in the top five. But as we lace up our sturdy Red Wing boots and watch a bald eagle soar majestically over Lake Superior's north shore, we know we're more American than thou.
Send news tips to Michael Rietmulder.