Text messages submitted to the website Texts From Last Night are published anonymously and without context, save one thing: their area code.
Now, for the first time, a public defender rises to the aid of Minneapolis’ greatest drunks:
(612): We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.— TextsFromLastNight (@TFLN) August 16, 2009
The archival record on this is clear, and settled. NASA has prohibited the consumption of alcohol during a space mission since 1972.
The Russian cosmonauts, and before them the Soviets, have allowed drinking. Perhaps the prosecution is trying to accuse my client of being a communist? A communist and a drunk? It’s an insult to the brave men and women who keep us safe from... space, your honor, and it has no place in this court.
(612): i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent— TextsFromLastNight (@TFLN) February 24, 2010
The contention that my client has knowingly been involved in the harboring, aiding, and abetting of an illegal alien is outrageous. The defendant had every reason to believe that Mr. Martinez was a naturalized citizen.
I ask you: Who but a red-blooded American patriot would find that their English actually improved in the throes of passion?
(612): I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.— TextsFromLastNight (@TFLN) May 6, 2010
The text message cited by the prosecution does not indicate that the defendant was consuming lethal doses of tequila on the afternoon of May 5. No, in fact he was reflecting on the beauty of the cross-cultural sharing that has made this country great.
(612): My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.— TextsFromLastNight (@TFLN) January 19, 2013
To criminalize an act of familial caregiving risks putting a chilling effect on the increasingly tenuous state of the American family. In such a moment of need, only a loving parent would stand by my client — or in front of him, shooing people away during a natural act of physiological urgency.
(612): You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you— TextsFromLastNight (@TFLN) June 15, 2014
The defense’s exhaustive review of legal precedent finds no clear link between the commission of property crimes and the consumption of chilled deli meats.
(612): I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.— TextsFromLastNight (@TFLN) September 30, 2014
The prosecution can bring in all the expert witnesses it wants. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, there is no way to prove that a smell detected on one’s person is proof of alcohol consumption or sexual activity the previous night. Or during a very long lunch break.
(612): but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.— TextsFromLastNight (@TFLN) November 3, 2014
The prosecution suggests evidence of possession and distribution of illicit and hallucinogenic substances. The defense sees nothing more than a citizen concerned for his community. This is a man who wants to ensure the safe passage of people who might look like — or for a few confusing hours, feel like — a vegetable.
(612): She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.— TextsFromLastNight (@TFLN) January 11, 2015
The term “free” has many synonyms, and can be used as a substitute for “uninhibited,” or “bountiful,” to name just two. Its invocation here does not, from a legal standpoint, demonstrate that the end of “free sex” means my client would have to start paying for it.
(612): should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus— TextsFromLastNight (@TFLN) April 7, 2015
As you are no doubt well aware, the U.S. Supreme Court has upheld the rights of religious adherents to practice spiritual rituals with the aid of sacred materials. That’s from the Supreme Court, your honor. As high as you can get. Let me rephrase that.
(612): We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us— TextsFromLastNight (@TFLN) February 6, 2016
The warranty attained with this purchase guarantees the consumer’s right to a full refund if the product is damaged during “normal use,” a term not defined anywhere in the reams of paperwork submitted by La-Z-Boy, Inc.
Based on her conversations with a sales representative, my client was led to believe the sofa she purchased could withstand her needs as a consumer, be they sexual, snack-related, or both.
(612): Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.— TextsFromLastNight (@TFLN) August 12, 2016
My client is prepared to enter a plea of guilty. She throws herself at the mercy of this court, and affirms that she thought, on information and belief, that the man in question was super hot.
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