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In defense of the drunkest texts in Minneapolis history

Anyone want to cop to being involved in this?

Anyone want to cop to being involved in this?

 Text messages submitted to the website Texts From Last Night are published anonymously and without context, save one thing: their area code.

Now, for the first time, a public defender rises to the aid of Minneapolis’ greatest drunks: 

The archival record on this is clear, and settled. NASA has prohibited the consumption of alcohol during a space mission since 1972.

The Russian cosmonauts, and before them the Soviets, have allowed drinking. Perhaps the prosecution is trying to accuse my client of being a communist? A communist and a drunk? It’s an insult to the brave men and women who keep us safe from... space, your honor, and it has no place in this court.

The contention that my client has knowingly been involved in the harboring, aiding, and abetting of an illegal alien is outrageous. The defendant had every reason to believe that Mr. Martinez was a naturalized citizen.

I ask you: Who but a red-blooded American patriot would find that their English actually improved in the throes of passion?

The text message cited by the prosecution does not indicate that the defendant was consuming lethal doses of tequila on the afternoon of May 5. No, in fact he was reflecting on the beauty of the cross-cultural sharing that has made this country great.

To criminalize an act of familial caregiving risks putting a chilling effect on the increasingly tenuous state of the American family. In such a moment of need, only a loving parent would stand by my client — or in front of him, shooing people away during a natural act of physiological urgency.

The defense’s exhaustive review of legal precedent finds no clear link between the commission of property crimes and the consumption of chilled deli meats.

The prosecution can bring in all the expert witnesses it wants. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, there is no way to prove that a smell detected on one’s person is proof of alcohol consumption or sexual activity the previous night. Or during a very long lunch break. 

The prosecution suggests evidence of possession and distribution of illicit and hallucinogenic substances. The defense sees nothing more than a citizen concerned for his community. This is a man who wants to ensure the safe passage of people who might look like — or for a few confusing hours, feel like — a vegetable. 

The term “free” has many synonyms, and can be used as a substitute for “uninhibited,” or “bountiful,” to name just two. Its invocation here does not, from a legal standpoint, demonstrate that the end of “free sex” means my client would have to start paying for it.

As you are no doubt well aware, the U.S. Supreme Court has upheld the rights of religious adherents to practice spiritual rituals with the aid of sacred materials. That’s from the Supreme Court, your honor. As high as you can get. Let me rephrase that.

The warranty attained with this purchase guarantees the consumer’s right to a full refund if the product is damaged during “normal use,” a term not defined anywhere in the reams of paperwork submitted by La-Z-Boy, Inc.

Based on her conversations with a sales representative, my client was led to believe the sofa she purchased could withstand her needs as a consumer, be they sexual, snack-related, or both.

My client is prepared to enter a plea of guilty. She throws herself at the mercy of this court, and affirms that she thought, on information and belief, that the man in question was super hot.

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