Ward Sutton

Physical Characteristics: Usually found prostrate and eager to hand away cash. Faint easily around charismatic leader.

Natural Habitat: Any large stadium temporarily devoid of a sporting event.

Personal Disposition: Devout.

Evolutionary Purpose: To elect the next president of the United States of America.

Place on the Food Chain: Just above dreamcatchers, just below Amazonian Shamans.

Feeding Behavior: Must receive regular exposure to Obama's '04 convention speech on YouTube.

Mating Call: "We are the ones we've been waiting for! You are the ones we've been counting on to donate $25 to our campaign!"

Weapon of Choice: America's dissatisfaction with the current regime.

Your Best Defense: Being a laid-off, white, working-class woman between the ages of 37 and 72 in Cleveland, Ohio.

Danger Level: About as dangerous to your health as Norm Coleman was when he was a longhaired, pot-smoking undergrad at Hofstra University.


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