Hey Kevin Love, put some Oregon back in your game

Kevin Love. Look. CP knows you've lost more games in your short NBA life than you have since... sorry to bring it up. But it's time you start playing like the beast from Lake Oswego. Remember that time? You were the terror of the titular lake city known for hanging flower baskets. K-Love, you are a baller from Oregon for chissakes! It's a place where Sasquatches outnumber people three to one. K-Love: it's time you put some Oregon back in your game. Here are five easy steps.

1. Score Points. It's really not that hard. Here's the trick: think of them like Hazelnuts. The more you collect in your pouch, the more that cute little vegan girl will smile in your direction. (By "pouch" I mean stat line. And yes, yes. I know you know what pouch meant, but not everyone reading this is from Oregon... and by "cute little vegan girl" of course I meant Kevin McHale.) Also, if you prefer to call them filberts, go right ahead.

2. Drink Micro-Brew. Yes, we both know you're underage. But that law really is talking about beer. Not micro-brew. 'Cause every kid from Oregon starts drinking Mirror Pond at an early age. Some directly from their mother's teet. K-Love, sneak the micro-beer into your Gatorade bottle. We all know you could use the hops.

3. Go Vegan. K-Love, it will totally balance out your chi. CP is positive Brandon Roy went vegan (mandatory if you live in Portland city limits.) And look at the season he's having. Also, don't fret when your poo turns into a milky form of peanut butter. That's a good thing. It means Yao Ming will think twice when you back him down into the lane.

4. Cheat on Vegan diet. There is nothing more Oregon than cheating on a vegan diet. It keeps you healthy.

5. Buy a Chainsaw. Real Oregonians can tell you didn't pack Poppa Stan's Stihl in your luggage. Your arms are looking puny. Just being honest. And it's hurting your mid-range jumper. So on an off-day, drive to Bemidji and cut down some trees. Follow this up by chopping a cord of wood and your outlet passes will get even more zip. (Also, K-Love... This is the land of Paul Bunyan. Show some respect to royalty, wear flannel and let your beard fill-out).

Now, if all else fails, play The Oregon Trail. Kill as many buffalo as possible and always, always raft down the Columbia. It's worth the risk.


Godspeed fellow lumberjack. And if you need a thunder-egg, don't hesitate to ask.

And now this: