Economic downturn got you frustrated? Troubles on the home front? Kids driving you crazy about what to get them for the approaching holidays? Finding yourself anxious, angry, annoyed or alarmed at strange moments throughout the day?
Well, fear not! Your pals at City Pages have the perfect solution for all this unhealthy wretch, worry and woe! Introducing -- for a very limited time -- the Gus Frerotte Doll!
Gus is expertly designed and finitely constructing with titanium micro-fibers that allow him to be tossed, bossed, rammed and slammed in any direction imaginable. All pissed off about your descending retirement funds? Got laid off and can't find a new job even though you've got a Master's degree? Just give Gus a hard and violent slam against even the most jarring of surfaces and watch your worries fade away!
Gus can take a barbaric beating and just keep on chugging! A little unsure about such a claim, eh? Well, we've got the numbers to prove it! Gus has been sacked 204 times in his career and just keeps on plugging away! He's 75th on the all-time list! And look out there at #74, Mr. Jeff Hostetler -- Gus is charging up the charts! He's 12th on the active sacked list and rising! He's been sacked 26 times this season -- and that's in just nine games!
This guy can take anything. Ram his head repeatedly into your front lawn! Mesh his chin with your driveway! Throw his entire body against a wall, window or garage door!!! Don't believe us -- just listen to these first-hand sacker testimonials:
"I hammered the shit out of Gus back in Week 3 and I was like, 'Dude, just stay down. You're thirty-seven, man.' But he didn't listen. I don't even know if he understood me, really. He just crawled up on his knees, missed a play, then came back in."
Julius Peppers, Carolina Panthers
"I absolutely wailed on Gus in late September -- I think we sacked him four times that day. I'm absolutely sure I heard something crack. His eyes looked all rheumy, like an old dog, right. But he just whimpered for maybe five or six seconds and then popped back up."
Kyle Vanden Bosch, Tennessee Titans
"In Week 7 we only got to sack Gus twice -- but it was most satisfying. It felt great. You just can't put a price tag on taking a dude's entire body and making an indentation in the turf with it. It's a real release of anger and raw emotion -- so therapeutic."
Tommy Harris, Chicago Bears
"I've got kids, man, and they're just crazy. They've destroyed my living room, my pool table. After they saw me sack Gus during Week 9, they were all like, 'Daddy, daddy! I want one!' Now, they just ram the hell out of this Gus doll until they fall asleep like little angles."
Mario Williams, Houston Texans
"After sacking Gus back in Week 11, I've decided I'm getting Tiki a Gus doll for Christmas. Finally, a solution for my lack of holiday shopping time during the season."
Ronde Barber, Tampa Bay Buccaneers
"I've been in the league a long damn time, almost ten years. I've got nearly 30 sacks. Some dudes get back up, some don't. This Gus guy? I don't think I've ever pummeled the shit out of somebody's skull, hip, neck, ear, shin, clavicle, spine, chin, elbow, rib, and seen him bounce back so fast. Yeah, he was all glassy and groggy and stuff -- but he just went right back to the huddle. Did the same thing the other two times we sacked him, too. Most definitely a must have for anyone that just needs to get some stuff off their chest, some rage out of their system."
Paul Spicer, Jacksonville Jaguars
The Gus Frerotte Doll! Get yours today while supplies last!!!