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Gender-neutral ‘gingerbread people’ reignite the War on Christmas

“You don’t even want to know how many bathrooms there are in gingerbread houses now.”

“You don’t even want to know how many bathrooms there are in gingerbread houses now.” Getty

The War on Christmas appeared lost two years ago when Fox News sent out Christmas cards admitting defeat. “Warm wishes,” they read, with not a “Merry Christmas” in sight. Jesus’ foremost general was waving the white flag.

The fallout was immediate. Instead of adhering to rigorous rules of yuletide greetings, everyone suddenly felt free to hurl good cheer anyway they wanted.

The Pagans had won. And they would prove ungracious victors.

This much is clear from the news in Scotland, which is a kind-of country off the coast of Rhode Island. Much like in America, Scottish politicians are loathsome degenerates. Thirty-percent of female ministers in its Parliament say they’ve been a victim of sexual harassment.

So the Parliament building’s coffee shop chose a modest show of solidarity. Instead of baking gingerbread men, it would now sell gender-neutral “gingerbread people.” Henceforth, little girls hoping to grow up to be cookies would have their own gingerbread to look up to, instead of staring at the glass ceiling of the baked goods patriarchy.

Scottish conservatives, who aren’t nearly as weird as they are here, said the move only “trivializes” institutional sexism. But across the pond, Jesus’ general once again emerged from the sidelines, prepared to do battle on behalf of God, who is thought to be very particular about the genitalia prescribed to confectionary items.

“The War on Christmas is a global struggle,” announced Fox host Tucker Carlson on his show this week. “You don’t even want to know how many bathrooms there are in gingerbread houses now.”

His guest, right-wing radio host Tammy Bruce, jumped to the aid of gingerbread men, claiming they’d become a “target” of “the left’s culture bullies.”

The War on Christmas was reignited. And this battle, fought under the harrowing conditions of a New York television studio, would soon be remembered as its Gettysburg.

Yet for reasons unexplained, the war forgot to escalate. Perhaps the alert went out to the wrong email list. The soldiers of Christ stayed on the couch watching the Home Shopping Network which, in all fairness, had a really good deal on Vince Camuto studded slip-on loafers for $119. Though a few other U.K. shops also fired shots of gender neutrality, American bakers seemed unenthused, with no skirmishes reported.

The only battlefront appeared to be on Twitter, the preferred method of contemporary warfare, since you can do it while staring at your phone during dull passages of dinner conversation.

But God’s anointed seemed less than committed to battle, and may eventually be charged with dereliction of zeal: