Picture this: Norm Coleman and Al Franken. Naked. In two separate bathtubs set on a bucolic hillside overlooking Capitol Hill. Can't do it? MAD Magazine can help. With Democra-cialis.
The venerable satire magazine that brought us Alfred E. Neuman and Spy vs. Spy is set to publish a "MAD 20" issue, celebrating the "dumbest people, events, and things" of 2009.
Number 12: "The Land of 10,000 Recalls."
"When the time comes to concede defeat, will you be ready?"
Coleman's long, drawn-out defeat for re-election to the U.S. Senate is the gift that keeps on giving, isn't it?
"If you've already tried futile legal challenges and angry calls for recounts, yet continue to suffer from an inadequate vote tally, Democra-cialis may be right for you," the MAD copy says. "Losing candidates who have used Democra-cialis have seen a marked reduction in electile dysfunction, leaving their opponents victorious and satisfied."
That's a low blow.
Neither a borrower nor a T-Paw be
Is this a case of "do as I say, not as I do"? Gov. Tim Pawlenty has been working the Republican red-meat circuit, ripping on the Obama administration for having to go hat in hand overseas for money to help Uncle Sam make good on his debts. Meanwhile, back at home, the state is getting ready to—you guessed it—borrow money so it can pay its bills.
"Are you embarrassed when the secretary of state of the United States is over in communist China on rhetorical bended knee," T-Paw asked a friendly crowd in Iowa, "pleading with the Chinese to buy our debt because if they don't, the United States of America can't pay its bills?"
Yet Tom Hanson, commissioner of Minnesota Management and Budget, told a legislative subcommittee that due to the recession the state might need to borrow money for the general fund for the first time in a quarter-century. The state's tax collections are already $223 million lower than officials predicted.
The governor's flack, perhaps not surprisingly, says this is all much ado about nothing. Really? Because it sounds an awful lot like a duck, and it's walking a lot like a duck.
Shoot my wife, please
We're glad to report that Michelle Cossentine is okay, but one can easily imagine the look on her face the other day when her husband, Deputy Nathan Cossentine, put a bullet in her thigh. By accident, of course, says Roseau County Chief Deputy Terry Bandemer.
Seems the couple had just returned home after deer hunting on Sunday, and were sitting in their Suburban when Nathan checked to make sure his gun wasn't loaded.
It was. Oops.
Nathan told Bandermer that his finger or a piece of clothing must have caught the gun's trigger. He took his wife to a Grand Forks hospital, where she was treated and released.
Target field's courtesy flush
When the Twins play their first home game next season at Target Field, there won't be a shortage of places for an anticipated 40,000 fans to take a leak, thanks to 401 women's and 266 men's "restroom fixtures" now in place.
Better yet, we now know those toilets are ready to go—hundreds of them all at once, if necessary. Construction manager Dan Mehls assured the Twin Cities last week that he had flushed 300 toilets at once to test the system, and found no leaks.
So there you go. Target Field can handle the load at the seventh-inning stretch, as it were. Just don't ask us what that's going to look like downstream.
Klobuchar rules, Bachmann drools
Rep. Michele Bachmann's been getting all the 24/7 cable news media love lately, but some new Minnesota polling numbers from Rasmussen suggest that, when it comes to job performance on Capitol Hill, Sen. Amy Klobuchar's getting the highest marks.
The November 10 phone survey of 1,000 Minnesota residents found 58 percent of likely voters "at least somewhat approve" of the job Klobuchar is doing, while 38 percent disapprove. Thirty-six percent strongly approve of her Senate performance, compared to 21 percent who strongly disapprove.
When it comes to Bachmann, 51 percent said they at least somewhat approve of Bachmann's job performance, while 45 percent disapprove. Thirty-three percent said they strongly disapprove of Bachmann's job performance, while 28 percent strongly approve.
The poll doesn't break the numbers down according to House districts (senators, of course, represent the whole state). And it should be noted that, regardless of what voters around the rest of the state think, District Six voters have given Bachmann two consecutive terms in the House.