Foreigners: Minneapolis has the fastest 4G service in America

4G speeds in Minneapolis are so fast you will find the nearest bench, sit down, and scream.

4G speeds in Minneapolis are so fast you will find the nearest bench, sit down, and scream. Getty Images/iStockphoto

 Fast mobile internet service is essential in the modern city. 

How else will the citizens be able to look up some new study that just ranked them No. 1? 

Plus: porn.

Minneapolis leads 35 "major cities" in America for the fastest 4G internet service, according to a new study out this week. The survey was conducted by OpenSignal, an English company behind an app that lets users measure how fast their phone's internet is running. 

From July through September, Minneapolis exhibited an average 4G speed of 21.5 megabits per second (Mbps), giving the city a slight edge over runner-up Detroit (20.8 Mbps). The gap begins to widen after that: Seattle placed third with an average speed of 19 Mbps, followed by fourth-place Chicago, with 18.2 Mbps -- fully 15 percent behind Minneapolis.

New York City (16.4 Mbps), Los Angeles (16 Mbps), and Washington, D.C. (15 Mbps) all fall near the middle of the pack. Down near the bottom, reputedly hip cities Austin (13.4 Mbps) and Denver (13.3) are surprisingingly slow; San Antonio (12.4 Mbps) and Las Vegas (11.7 Mbps) bring up the rear, crawling along at nearly half the speed at which Minneapolis generally hums.

What do those numbers mean? This guide from NerdWallet says you want at least 5 Mbps for high-definition streaming of a video service like Netflix. Megabit rates also affect downloading speeds: A feature-length film that takes a half-hour to download in Minneapolis could, according to this study, take closer to an hour to complete in Las Vegas. 

Why, aside from the obvious, are we so great at this? OpenSignal does not say, though it gueses Midwestern cities did well on the study "perhaps to make up for... horrible winters."

Hey! The easily slighted and utterly passive aggressive people of Minneapolis will... not actually say anything directly in response to this. However, we will spend the next five to 10 minutes using our super-fast phones to watch videos relating to English weather, culture, and history, so as to be prepard with a pithy, specific comeback,  should you scoundrels dare to insult us or our climate a second ... or, well, proably a third time. 

And then we will get right back to porn.