Physical Characteristics: He's the dude who shows up wearing a Grateful Dead T-shirt and asking everybody where he can score a "doobie."
Natural Habitat: Student co-ops, vegan potlucks, communes.
Personal Disposition: Inquisitive.
Evolutionary Purpose: To address the grave national security threat posed by nonviolent peace activists.
Place on the Food Chain: Just below snitches, just above actual tunnel-burrowing rodents.
Feeding Behavior: Nocturnal. Apparently spying on Grannies for Peace and then reporting back to the Feds makes it hard to sleep at night.
Mating Call: "Could you spell your last name for me?"
Weapon of Choice: Duplicity, schmoozing.
Your Best Defense: Not being significant enough to warrant the federal government's attention.
Danger Level: Who wants to know?
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