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Failed newspaper tries to become TV station

Oh fateful god of bemusement! Why must you torture us with such stupidity? We are but simple people who crave simple news. But the moribund fishwrap that is on the brink of pulling a Rocky Mountain just launched a streaming television show, staring that waifish neo-crazy, Real James Lileks. Speaking on behalf of the public: Will someone please put him back inside whatever box of Lucky Charms he jumped out of?

Fake James Lileks is not happy with this show.

This Real-James-Lileks-gone-newscaster is one coo short of the coo-coo's nest. If anyone is in need of electro-shock therapy, it's him. Why, a person hasn't scared me this much since that damn Soulja Boy pranced around YouTube a while back.

I mean, what is this? Or as my twats would tweet, WTF? The Star Tribune is about to collapse. The entire industry is looking for answers, and all it can muster is a bizarre news station that is one part Onion, one part Tom Brokaw parody, and two parts lame? It's like the equivalent of Tiger Beat deciding to launch a home decorating show on TLC.

Let's see: he talks in a mocking sing-song voice of a horrid TV news host, jabs his pencil into his desk for visual effects and makes jokes that only [?] would laugh at. It's like he got his news training from a horrid 1940s B-Movie. At points, it feels like he should be warning us of a Goliath Ant Invasion from Saturn.

Plus, he fills his commercial breaks with commercials about the Star Tribune.

And people wonder why this newspaper is failing?

Also: what the heck is that MacBook Air doing on his desk? The Strib must have fooled Apple into paying for product placement. And what's with the chipper music interlude? Doesn't the Strib know that guy-strumming-guitar-at-open-mic-night-for-Jesus music should only be reserved for guys strumming their guitars at open mic nights for Jesus?

Fake James Lileks will not stand for such a waste of talent. We need Real James Lileks to focus on his Pulitzer-prize worthy column. We need him attacking this Hawaiian Muslim who keeps tricking us into spending all our money on AIG.

In short: We need the Real James Lileks now more than ever.

In short-short. NewsBreak is the worst idea ever.