Donald Trump recently brought on a team of evangelical "spiritual advisers" to assist his campaign. Among these luminaries was former Minnesota Congresswoman Michele Bachmann. A transcript of their phone call:
Michele Bachmann: Hello?
Donald Trump: Michele, Donald Trump. Delighted to be speaking to me.
Bachmann: Good morning, Mr. Trump! I didn't expect your call!
Trump: I didn't call. I have people for that. It has nothing to do with the size of my fingers. I'm excellent at dialing. Tremendous.
Bachmann: The telephone is proof of God's everlasting love.
Trump: Yeah. Right. Okay, I need your help. I don't like asking for help. I can do anything better than anyone. Including asking for help. But I need these Jesus people to vote for Trump.
Bachmann: You know, Donald, initially I was a fan of Ted Cruz, a great, God-fearing Christian. He seems absolutely terrified of God.
Trump: He should've been afraid of me. The only thing that scared me was his wife. Yeeesh. A total mutt. A 6 on a good day. I almost felt bad for him. Almost. Same with Rubio. What a wimp. I smoked him like a Cuban cigar. Cigars love me.
Bachmann: I thought you couldn't get Cuban —
Trump: You can if you've got a special exemption signed by Ronald Reagan. Ronnie adored me. Looked up to me. He was the "Great Communicator." I'm better. The greatest communicator. But my words — and let me tell you, I've got all the most beautiful words — are too much for these people in Flyover Country. Where you from again?
Bachmann: Minnesooota! But I was born in Iowa!
Trump: A lovely state. Corn.
Bachmann: Yes! Corn!
Trump: Believe me, I make a ton of money off corn futures. On paper I own most of Iowa. But those people, they see a guy like me, they get intimidated. I'm handsome. I'm rich. And I'm smarter. The smartest. These people have two cows and a Bible, for chrissakes. My suit's worth more than their ugly children will make in their whole lives.
Bachmann: The Bible is all we need.
Trump: Sure, good book.
Bachmann: The good book.
Trump: Have you read The Art of the Deal? Now that's a book. It's like the Bible, but for smart people. Outstanding. But it's too deep for these Jesus weirdos. I need someone on their level. Quite low. I need my message translated by a simpleton, Michele. Like you.
Bachmann: I think I understand what you're saying.
Trump: Michele, this is a great honor for you. Go out and talk to them about God. And me. Mostly me.
Bachmann: He is the one true God, and through him all things are possible. Only through pure, unwavering faith can we be saved from eternal damnation.
Trump: Yeah, crap like that. Perfect.
Bachmann: The non-believers and the unrepentant sinners will be condemned, cast into the lake of fire to burn for all time with the seven-headed Beast.
Trump: Whoa. Let's not blow our wad. Save some for the farmers. These rubes are already with me on the Muslim thing. They love me.
Bachmann: Islamic terrorism is a threat to the everlasting Kingdom of Israel.
Trump: Nobody loves Israel more than me. I had Jew lawyers do all my divorces. The Jews are yuuuuge fans.
Bachmann: The Israelites must be gathered in their homeland to bring about the final battle with evil. The end times are nearly upon us.
Trump: We haven't reached the convention, but I see your point. We are getting down to the home stretch. What I need is for you to tell your flock of... is it seagulls?
Trump: Sheep. At Wharton — I was top of my class — they taught you can only skin a sheep once. But I know I could do it twice. At least twice. Tell the sheep to vote Trump, and make America great again! And to buy some of those hats. Those are marvelous hats. We're making a killing on them.
Trump: Tremendous. I knew this would work. I've got enough going on these days, with my schedule. I mean, Jesus.
Bachmann: I love Jesus.
Trump: Nice guy. I heard about what happened to him. Sad. It's like I told John McCain — don't get caught in the first place. If it was me I'd've said, "Hey, Pontius, guess what? You're the one getting on that cross, not me. And I'm gonna make you build it."
Bachmann: We must always be faithful to the prophet.
Trump: No one loves the profit more than me. We do very well at the Trump Organization. Billions.
Bachmann: God bless America.
Trump: And me too.
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