Physical Characteristics: Between 4'8" and 6'9" in height, between 18 and 98 years old, Caucasian.
Natural Habitat: Xcel Energy Center and nearby dens of depravity.
Personal Disposition: Resigned to shacking up with a wrinkly old war hero.
Evolutionary Purpose: To perpetuate the illusion of a participatory democracy.
Place on the Food Chain: In the scripted event that is the RNC, they're the studio audience.
Feeding Behavior: Funnel fed like foie gras ducks.
Mating Call: "MAC IS BACK! MAC IS BACK! MAC IS BACK!"
Weapon of Choice: Straw hats, button vests, flag lapel pins, cardboard signs, and their unblinking resolve to travel hundreds of miles to participate in meaningless political theater.
Your Best Defense: Feigning interest.
Danger Level: Delegates have been domesticated and in 2008 are harmless political animals as long as you pet and feed them regularly.
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