Physical Characteristics: Between 4'8" and 6'9" in height, between 18 and 98 years old, Caucasian.
Natural Habitat: Xcel Energy Center and nearby dens of depravity.
Personal Disposition: Resigned to shacking up with a wrinkly old war hero.
Evolutionary Purpose: To perpetuate the illusion of a participatory democracy.
Place on the Food Chain: In the scripted event that is the RNC, they're the studio audience.
Feeding Behavior: Funnel fed like foie gras ducks.
Mating Call: "MAC IS BACK! MAC IS BACK! MAC IS BACK!"
Weapon of Choice: Straw hats, button vests, flag lapel pins, cardboard signs, and their unblinking resolve to travel hundreds of miles to participate in meaningless political theater.
Your Best Defense: Feigning interest.
Danger Level: Delegates have been domesticated and in 2008 are harmless political animals as long as you pet and feed them regularly.
Get the This Week's Top Stories Newsletter
Every week we collect the latest news, music and arts stories — along with film and food reviews and the best things to do this week — so that you’ll never miss City Pages' biggest stories.
- A terrible Minneapolis park deal just got $2 million worse
Sat., Sep. 19, 12:00am
Sat., Sep. 19, 7:00pm
Sun., Sep. 20, 12:00pm
Sat., Sep. 26, 2:30pm
- Why you should never run over a kid while flying a confederate flag
- Minnesota has eighth most expensive cigarettes