Apologizing to our new leader
Editor’s note: The following letter was postmarked several days prior to Tuesday’s election in order to reach its recipient in time for his victory.
Dear Mr. Donald Trump,
Congratulations. They said you couldn’t do it. They said Hillary had this whole thing locked up — rigged, more like it. She and her army of union goons, felons, illegals, refugees, and ladies were going to steal the White House by hook or by crook.
That’s what everyone thought. But not me. I knew you were the right man for the job. Never doubted you for a second.
Now, first I need to clear the air between you and me. Surely you’ve stumbled across one or two things I’ve written for City Pages, perhaps while Googling your own name, which, as we both know, is a perfectly productive thing to do.
Or maybe one of Putin’s spies overheard some of the things I’ve been shouting in Minneapolis bars these past few months.
I can explain. You see, Donald — can I call you Donald? — the thing is, I had no choice. Living where I live, in Minneapolis, it’s pretty much illegal to support any Republican, let alone a tough-talking alpha male like you. You scare the shit out of these wimps. Every single person I know in Minneapolis and St. Paul voted for Hillary. Probably three or four times.
If I’d told these people how I really think, how much I admire you — your beautiful suits, your success, the way you fooled those suckers at the I.R.S. — these liberals would run me out on a rail. Around here, if a guy isn’t totally beholden to political correctness, and finally says what he’s thinking for once, suddenly someone’s calling him a “racist.” It’s exactly the kind of bullying that I hope Melania cures this hateful nation of.
That never bothered you, never stopped you once from speaking your mind about America’s “inner cities,” or Syrians, or Mexicans. Clearly, I’m not as strong a man as you are. Who is?
Mr. President, I beg you to forgive those things I said. I wouldn’t do well as a political prisoner. I’m addicted to Facebook, and I don’t have enough close friends to organize a campaign to try to get me freed. I’m not cut out for Guantanamo.
Know who is, though? Hillary. We both know about all the crimes Hillary’s committed: Benghazi, the emails, Whitewater, Vince Foster, Anthony Weiner, Bill, that time she called you a “puppet.” Imagine what she’ll confess to once we start waterboarding her. Or using some of those new, “way worse” kinds of torture you come up with. (One idea: forced lunch with Ted Cruz.)
Your administration could use someone like me, Your Most Graceful Eminence. (Can I call you Your Most Graceful Eminence?) I’m already thinking of how to put together a cabinet for the Trump administration, if you decide you need one. There’s Sean Hannity for Secretary of Defense, because who’s done a better job defending the things people claim you’ve said?
I’ve got Ted Nugent for Secretary of State; picture China coming into a treaty meeting to find that guy wearing camo, picking raw elk from his teeth with a Bowie knife. Chris Christie for Department of Agriculture just for all the great fat jokes I know you’d make. Ivanka should be Secretary of the Interior because she’ll wind up doing all the decorating.
Speaking of that. The White House, I don’t know if you’ve seen it, but... kind of a dump. Not nearly as big in person as they make it look on TV. Plus it’s old, and it’s barely even white. Compared to your mansion at Mar-a-Lago, it’s the equivalent of a two-bedroom apartment in the Bronx. Sad.
Why not move the whole operation to Palm Beach? Make the government come to you. Total power move. You could pretty much be president without leaving the golf course, so you’ll never lose that wonderful color you’ve achieved. We can use the pool area for press conferences on wonderful, winning trade deals, as announced by Press Secretary Billy Bush.
And hey, let’s tighten up these libel laws, so it’s easier to punish anyone who says nasty things about you or your tax returns. And let’s loosen up all this crap about sexual harassment and start having a little fun again.
Throw out these stupid academic textbooks and replace them with a box set of The Apprentice, and start putting a Trump Steak on every school cafeteria tray.
Other people who should be in jail: Bill Clinton, abortion doctors, Megyn Kelly, Obama, the Khan family, John Oliver, Rosie O’Donnell, Beyoncé, Alicia Machado, Alec Baldwin, the New York Times, Black Lives Matter, Chicago.
I’ll do anything you need. Want me to comb through Facebook and look for people who look like they need to be deported? I’ll have a list of scary names by this afternoon.
I’ll build the wall!
Obamacare? That total disaster? Give me two hours in a room with Alex Jones and Ken Bone and we’ll have plans — so many wonderful plans, America won’t know what hit it.
See President Trump, these are just some of my ideas to help you Make America Great Again. Not that you need my help. I’m the only one in this disaster of a town with an ounce of gratitude for all the wonderful things you’ve already done for this country.
Your campaign, and your success, and your many, many supporters... it’s all taught me so much about America. More than I even wanted to know.
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