Hello there. Is this your goat?
The Inver Grove Heights Police Department would like you to claim it.
Yesterday, WCCO reported numerous sightings of a sizeable white goat -- unaccompanied, but not particularly alarmed, by the looks of it -- picking its way through construction sites and peering into windows with its creepy sideways goat pupils. Police do not know where the goat came from, or where it currently is, or, presumably, why its stare sees straight into your soul.
Commander Joshua Otis says the goat is still at large, making it that much more likely that it will find you alone and unprotected and drag you to hell.
"It's a very elusive animal," he says.
As always, commenters on the police department’s Facebook page have been eager to speculate where the hooved beast came from. Some theorize it’s one of those buckthorn-eating St. Paul goats, escaped from its post, O Brother, Where Art Thou?-style. Others literally insist it belongs to the Church of Satan and that it must be returned as soon as possible.
Some commenters suggest solutions, ranging from “rattle a bucket of corn” to… smiling at it. There have been scientific studies that suggest goats are more attracted to happy faces. The department responded that officers had laid eyes on the goat, but smiling at it didn’t seem to work.
Anyone who has seen the goat or knows its owner is supposed to call 911. Until then, know it is out there. Watching. Waiting.