Coleman vs. Franken: Hebruise Deathmatch '08


As John Stewart noted with glee, there is nothing more Midwestern than two Jewish guys battling it out for Minnesota's national Senate seat. Norm Coleman and Al Franken took the gloves off early in this bout, and continue their slap-fest though November. But what if they really fought? Who would win?

Now, before we get into some probing fight analysis, let's get something straight: imaginary Jew fights are cooler than you think. Just picture Jonathan Safran Foer sending a knee to the face of Michael Chabon. Awesome right? Okay, maybe not. But intriguing nonetheless.

For the Franken vs. Coleman card we sought insight from the People. Jordan, who works at the University of Minnesota's Hillel Jewish Student Center, said he'd want to see Coleman lose. "Are you really asking me this?" he says. [Yup]. "Well, then yeah, I'd be rooting for Franken."

For in-depth fight analysis, we called up the United Jewish Fund and Council in St. Paul. They relayed a message from Bob Loewenstein, Finance Director and, we imagine, part-time bookie. This Jew knew his Jewbatants.

"Well, Coleman is a string bean," he says. "Something like, what, a 140lbs.? Franken's 190lbs. And Franken was a wrestler in high school. So if it was up to pure physicality, there is no question Franken would win. And after winning the brawl, Franken would eat 2 or 3 of Coleman's limbs just to make sure. You know that temper..."

As for the goy perspective, we think Coleman would get in a few early jabs. But then he'd make the mistake of breaking Franken's glasses. And as every grade schooler knows, that unleashes nerd rage.

Franken: TKO in the 1st.