In honor of our esteemed alumnus, we collected a sort of latest, greatest hits compilation from his stuff on Minnpost, a high quality retirement center for those who care about journalists. Without further ado, CP is proud to present: The Top Five Examples In Which David Brauer Tries Too Hard To Sound Like A 20-Something Talking Like A Teenager. (Wordy, we know, but can we really honor "The Brau" with anything other than grandiose prose? Spoiler alert: no.)
"They loves them the hitting." Here we find our chummy alumnus on his Twitter account. Notice how well he talks like a teenager at Southdale Mall. This purposeful lack of grammar impresses us. It's age defying language. We imagine he's actually seen High School Musical III. Bonus points! But that also grosses us out... as it probably means he's ogled the nudy shot of Vanessa Hudgens for more seconds that we feel comfortable writing.
"Straight-up hat tip." The Brau now shows us that the closest he's been to a black dude is Ta-Nehisi's blog on the Atlantic. Straight up? Wasn't that a hit by Paula Abdul in the 1980s? We're not sure... We were still watching Gummi Bears at that point in our lives.
"aka Hush Money." OK, sometimes The Brau just can't seem to hide that he's old.
"The guv." Nothing says Gawker quite like abbreviated words. That Brau sure can synth lan. And what twenty-something worth their T9 skilz wouldn't agree?
"By the way..." Here we really need to give The Brau his due. He spelled out btw!? How ironic is that? This totally cements his McSweeney's street cred. The man is deck (Brau, feel free to use the word "deck." But be forewarned: it might be two levels of irony too deep for you to get. But whatevs... you 'da man! Go at it.)
In conclusion, this Brau of ours is one stand up son of a bitch. At the same time, he makes us appreciate MPR's Bob Collins, a blogger who doesn't mind showing his age and professionalism. Who knows? Maybe The Brau could learn something from Collins.
Hold it. No way.
He wuvs him some Twitter too much.