Brian Calvert stood near a checkpoint in 2012, somewhere along the 4,000-mile stretch of undefended border shared by the U.S. and Canada. He was most likely making a return trip home to Vancouver after stocking up on discounted Marlboro Light 100s and Velveeta at Super Target. Then he heard something come over yonder to the south.
What are those noises? he whispered to himself.
He soon had his answer. It was the voices of Americans crying out for help. Which got Calvert to thinking.
"We're continental BFFs here. We can't just stand by," he says. "It's not the Canadian way to just let this happen. We've got to set up and get in the race."
"We've seen your candidates and frankly, they scare the shit out of us," says Calvert in a campaign ad. "So we're volunteering our country to lead your country."
In November 2012, a battle-weary Calvert conceded defeat to President Obama: "We'd like to congratulate the president on four more years of letting himself get tea bagged by people who believe the founding fathers drove monster trucks."
The self-loathing proved short-lived. Those puckish Nookers have again entered the U.S. presidential fray. The platform includes proposals "that America allow one gay couple to marry for every straight couple that gets divorced" and a Bill of Rights for Guns because firearms are "long overdue protection from the people who use them."
The Canada Party urges Americans to vote for "34 million of the politest people you'll ever meet working in shifts."
Two words explain Canada's dark horse entry, Calvert says. "Trump is the icing on the cake. It's hard for anybody to believe he's already gone as far as he has.… It's basically a hostile takeover of the Republican Party. They obviously don't like him and I'm pretty sure he doesn't even like himself. That's the number one number thing. He can come in, say virtually anything he wants, have very little accountability, and so many Americans seem to be supporting him."
Meanwhile, a chronic do-nothing Congress is "squabbling like diuretic chimps," he adds.
The Canada Party wants to make sure the American electorate understands one thing above all else:
"This isn't an invasion. It's an intervention. We want to lift America up again. Take the keys. We'll drive you home, get there, fluff the pillows, and make you some soup. We want to take your minds off the political squabbling for awhile, let Canada run things, and let America be America again.
"It seems like a natural thing to do. We're committed to returning the United States to a place where it's the world-nurturing parent figure instead of everyone's racist uncle.… We know America is great, but we want to make it good again."