Politicians may lie, but tarot cards don't.

Forgoing the usual claque of newscasters, think-tank courtesans, and failed politicos who are typically called upon to say What It All Means, City Pages turned to a real psychic for a reading of the Clintons' political future. We asked Holly Sullivan--a local social worker and "intuitive counselor" who took up the tarot a year ago--to throw a spread on the Clintons' various dealings and their prospects come November.

"The center of it is something called the Nine Of Cups, except it's reversed. When it's upright, it's like dreams come true, wishes fulfilled, etc., etc. It's like, it started out with the best of intentions but it all went bad and now things--they aren't turning out exactly the way they hoped they would. The King of Pentacles is upright which means it was a money thing. I mean, they went into it hoping to make money but I don't think they were really prepared for what was happening or what was going on. It's like, I don't think they really understood what they were getting themselves into when they went into it.

"Deep history, deep past... there's some kind of greed going on. There's something called The Devil at the bottom of it, and someone--I don't know if it was the Clinton's necessarily or if they weren't aware of it, but there is some kind of bondage to material things. That's an icky card. It's got a picture of this guy with a business suit on, except he's got horns coming out of his head and a big ring through his nose. And then there are some figures at the bottom of it and they're all in chains, they're all chained to this Devil and to some posts. One of them is kind of arrogant looking, this woman. And the other one, this guy, is looking in the other direction. And then there's one who's obviously suffering, with his face down to the ground and some other woman is looking off in the other direction, too. The Devil, we call the shadow, the collective shadow. It's folks; dark side. It's what makes them greedy and grasp at material items. And that's in the deep past.

"Now, the recent past has the Prince Of Wands here. I think that's Clinton. This guy is very charismatic and energetic and really a go-getter. So he's still got some energy there, like 'I'm still going to go for it.' He hasn't lost total faith in himself or his abilities, in the idea of the presidency. He still has a real positive outlook on that.

"But up in his conscious mind you've got the Five Of Cups, and it's reversed. And when that's upright people are really mourning over something that they did. They've screwed up; they should have done something and they didn't. But his conscious mind is reversed with the Five Of Cups, which means he's getting over it or he's gonna get over it, or he's just barreling right along anyway.

"What's being created is the Ten Of Wands, which stands for heavy, heavy burdens--responsibility. I would say it's not going to be as easy as he's trying to talk himself into thinking it's going to be. I don't know. It's like he's trying to keep a stiff upper lip with it, but something's coming down. You know, this isn't going to be an easy thing.

"Now, spiritually, he's got a Five Of Swords, which stands for deep betrayal. That's the sting. I don't know if he feels betrayed, or spiritually, it could be like somebody stabbing him in the back, and he was kind of set up for it."

Environment: "He's got The Sun there, which is the sunny outlook I think. Hopes and fears he's got an Eight Of Cups reversed. I always have a hard time interpreting that one. That card generally means someone who's going back out into the world again. Eight Of Cups upright is withdrawal; Eight Of Cups reversed is going out into the world as opposed to doing something in solitude or processing something.

"And then the outcome has The Lovers, which can mean one of two things. It can mean that he's going to win over the public, or it can mean he's going to have to make some choices here, like you're presented with some different choices or some indecision. It's a man and a woman, and they're in the garden, and they're about to kiss. And then on the top there's a Yin and a Yang. And there are some trees in the background. It's really a pretty card. And it can also mean good relations between people. It could be toward Hillary. But it doesn't always necessarily mean that. It often means making some difficult decisions."

In the interest of fairness, we asked Holly to read Bob Dole's cards, too. Unfortunately, we don't have room to include the gory details. Suffice to say, as Holly told us, "The whole spread--looking at it, it's just kind of yucky." *

Inevitably, spring brings graduation: Academics in their multicolored robes parade across University grounds over grass still crunchy with fertilizer pellets, while a new crop of initiates lurches along to Pomp and Circumstance. But for every new Ph.D., 10 grad students gape at computer screens for long hours, attempting to finish the dreaded dissertation. The following list of recent UNIVERSITY OF MINNESOTA PH.D. THESES (along with City Pages summaries) are offered in the spirit of congratulations to The Graduates, and consolation to the rest.

Author: Alfonso, Noel Fernandez.

Title: Studies on Factors Affecting the Success of Bovine In-Vitro Fertilization (Reproduction). 1995. 259 p.

Conclusions: "Frozen-thawed sperm required a different capacitation system than did fresh sperm."

CP Summary: When fertilizing cows, use fresh sperm.

Author: Piper, Joyce Lea.

Title: Work Stress Among Lutheran Clergy Women in the United States of America and Norway. 1995. 192 p.

Conclusions: "Results of this cross-national comparative study revealed that Norwegian and U.S. Lutheran clergywomen reported remarkably similar levels of high work stress, despite differences in cultural contexts."

CP Summary: Work sucks, even if you're a clergywoman in Norway.

Author: Renz, Gary Lee.

Title: The Effects of Completing the Job Diagnostic Survey on Job Satisfaction. 1995. 190 p.

Conclusions: "The research was based on two premises: (1) that answering the Job Diagnostic Survey would cause the respondents to focus their attention on aspects of their jobs that they had otherwise ignored or taken for granted, and (2) that answering the Job Diagnostic Survey would cause the respondents to employ Job Diagnostic Survey-related criteria when evaluating their jobs.... As hypothesized, the Job Diagnostic Survey caused statistically significant changes in respondents' job satisfaction..."

CP Summary: Work sucks, unless you take a Job Diagnostic Survey.

Author: Johnstone, Rosemarie.

Title: The Alcoholism of the Text. 1995. 150 p.

Conclusions: "My dissertation analyzes how Ernest Hemingway, Eugene O'Neill, Anne Sexton and Jack Spicer articulate alcoholism in their work. My study also offers an interdisciplinary reading of alcoholism as an epistemology which manifests itself in poetry and fiction."

CP Summary: Ernest Hemingway, Eugene O'Neill, Anne Sexton and Jack Spicer were drunks.

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