Citing her “overwhelming 111-0 Senate confirmation vote” as a mandate to “make our kids superber again,” Betsy DeVos has ordered sweeping changes to what American children are taught at school.
In a memo to Minnesota districts, the new education secretary decreed wholesale curriculum changes based on the “traditional Christian-private sector values this country was founded on.” Her intention, she wrote, is to “insert truth sections” into existing courses that have become “overrun by the libtard agenda.”
The overhaul will be accompanied by the launch of a “Visiting Scholars” program, which will bring “leading thinkers” from the business and evangelical communities into classrooms. DeVos believes the program -- free of charge -- should more than offset “massive funding cuts” expected to be implemented “as soon as we can hire someone who can read a spreadsheet.”
Among the new lesson plans:
Introduction to Genetic Superiority
Climate Change: When Everywhere Will be as Nice as Phoenix, presented by ExxonMobil
Environmentalism, Solar Energy, and Other Gateways to the Homosexual Lifestyle
What is Your Teacher Hiding?
The Truth about Slavery: How Negroes Actually Miss the Free Food and Lodging, presented by the Alabama congressional delegation
The Second Amendment: Jesus’ Masterwork
Correcting Historical Myths: The Indians Gave us America Because They Knew They Were Losers and We’d Do Better, presented by Energy Transfer Partners
Great Statesmen from Stalin to Putin: You Didn’t See Black Lives Matter Blocking the Freeway When They Were in Charge, Did You?
You’ll Never Get a Job Talking Mexican Like That
O’Reilly, Coulter & Hannity: An introduction to the Classics
Wilde, Whitman & Woolfe: Did You Know They Were Homos?
Income Inequality: God Clearly Doesn’t Like Your Parents, presented by the Southern Baptist Convention
Using Simple Multiplication to Spot Socialism
Your Teacher’s Paid Too Much: Why Mommy and Daddy Couldn’t Afford Good Presents Last Christmas
Mexicans: They’ll Murder You in Your Sleep
You Won’t be Popular if You Befriend that Muslim Girl
Besides, She Probably has Head Lice
And Her Parents Want to Blow Up Grandma
Health & Human Sexuality:
Unwanted Groping: Really, What’s the Big Deal?
Knowing Your Rights as a Tanning Salon Gold Card Member
Empathy: It Will Make You Throw Like a Girl
Childhood Obesity: There's Alway Time to Think About That Later, presented by PepsiCo
Self-Esteem & Personal Safety:
The Glock G43: Daddy Doesn’t Have to be Afraid to go to Chuck E. Cheese Anymore, presented by the National Rifle Association
Feminism: How to Ensure No One Ever Loves You
You Wouldn’t be a 5 if You Laid Off the Cupcakes, Sweetheart, a Twitter seminar presented by President Donald Trump
Bullying: This Wouldn’t Happen if You Would Just Act Normal
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