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Bemidji cops solve the feel-good 'crime' of the week

Note: This is not a photo of this Bemidji, MN... 'crime' taking place -- though you probably knew that, given the lack of snow.

Note: This is not a photo of this Bemidji, MN... 'crime' taking place -- though you probably knew that, given the lack of snow. Flickr/Alanna Risse

It's cooooooooold out here in Minnesota. Dangerously cold. 

Spend a few minutes too long exposed and you could get frostbite. A 51-year-old Byron man slipped and fell on ice after his car swerved into a ditch the other day. He couldn't call for help because, in the extreme conditions, his phone died; he didn't, but a TV report correctly says he's lucky to have a hospital telling him he's "expected to be okay." 

Point is: Do not trifle with this ice and wind. This is some Jack London/Robert Service-letter shit. We'd tell you to re-read City Pages' guide to getting through winter here, but... honestly at this point we wish we could just take it all back.

Just stay safe, be prepared, and keep an eye out for each other, especially the oldest and youngest among us.

In that spirit, we are pleased to bring you the single most heartwarming story about a child freezing to death due to parental neglect you will read this week, if not in your entire life.

We swear. 

Right around dinner time on Monday night in Bemidji, a good Samaritan called the police to alert them to a most distressing situation -- a child endangerment emergency. Cops arrived at the scene to learn things were... not exactly as they'd been called in.

We'll let the Bemidji Pioneer crime blotter (and/or this useful Twitter account) take it from here:

Upon arrival, it was found to be a vacuum cleaner with a spaghetti strainer on it. No action was needed.

WRONG! ACTION NEEDED!

If you don't laugh your ass off at the thought of some do-gooder mixing up the sight of a human child with that of a common household appliance coupled with a kitchen implement, we would kindly ask you to take your leave of this state, and perhaps avoid surrounding others. Gallows humor is all that will get us through this and other winters.

Think of it this way: In a few hours the work week will be almost half over, and by mid-week next week we'll almost be halfway through March, and as we all know, March is one of the last couple months before June, so...

Oh fuck it. Just laugh about this vacuum cleaner strainer girl's "rescue" and try making it through another day.