Beg your pardon
President Bush carried out the obligatory turkey-pardoning ceremony this morning at the White House. The two spared birds hail from the Ellsworth and Hill family farms in Iowa.
This is all well and good. Nothing wrong with a little turkey clemency. But there are two other Iowa birds Bush should consider pardoning: the Hawkeyes who were caught fornicating in a Metrodome bathroom during Saturday's game against the Gophers.
We've already made the case that the fines against the lustbirds were unwarranted. Short version: those Hawk-suckers didn't hurt anyone or anything in getting it on in that handicapped stall, except maybe their dignity. But that's their call to make. Live and let fuck, the saying goes.
The fact is, there's no reason not to issue this pardon, Mr. President. What do you stand to lose? You're out of here in less than two months anyway and it's not as if your approval rating could go any lower. Your still-supporters--the bottom 25th percentile of this country--are so dumb and clueless that you could poison Obama's transition team tomorrow, then do celebratory cartwheels up and down Pennsylvania Avenue wearing nothing but a Reagan mask and a bloodied "Nader 2000" pin pierced through your sternum, and they'd still write your name on the ballot come 2012. But the rest of us are still waiting for you to acknowledge our existence.
So do the right thing. For once.
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