The apocalypse is nearly upon us, bio-spherically speaking. The leaping, terrifying, invasive Asian Carp has reached the St. Croix River. The invasion was announced this afternoon by the Minnesota Department of Natural Resources, which immediately laid out its battle strategy.
First, the DNR wants a new barrier, using either sonic or air bubble barrier, neither of which sound harsh enough for these crazy fish. In fact, they're not, and the DNR admits as much: That planned barrier, which would be placed at the mouth of the St. Croix in Prescott, Wisconsin, will only work if the carp population stays low.
The agency's also going to work on figuring out how to actually catch the little buggers, explaining, "silver carp are extremely skittish and difficult to catch with traditional netting and fish-shocking equipment."
For boaters and fishermen on the St. Croix, the advice is simple: Keep your head low.
The DNR doesn't actually know how many silver carp are in the river, having only found DNA samples.
Only two Asian carp -- both of the insultingly named "bighead" variety -- have ever been caught in the St. Croix, one in 1996, and another in April of this year.
It's also unclear how large the carp are, or whether they're breeding. For the sake of Minnesota's river system, the DNR is probably praying that there are seven, tiny, celibate silver carp.
Here's video evidence of just how wild these things are: