Physical Characteristics: Gray-haired, well built, and impeccably moisturized.
Natural Habitat: War-torn regions within close proximity to beachfront cabanas.
Personal Disposition: Cocky.
Evolutionary Purpose: To show the world that genocide is bad, but can look strangely sexy presented by a sweaty hunk in a muscle shirt.
Place on the Food Chain: Just below Tom Brokaw, just above George Michael—sometimes literally.
Feeding Behavior: Insatiable. Grazes for 24-hour news cycle, then purges for 60 Minutes.
Mating Call: "Excuse me. Excuse me, Senator. Sorry to interrupt, but I've just received breaking news that Barack Obama just shook hands with a Muslim."
Weapon of Choice: Steely glare followed by deep, repetitive, penetrating...questions?
Your Best Defense: A steady diet of hockey.
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- Slowly, Lake Calhoun is losing its weird tribute to Mr. Slavery
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- Kitty Westin wants to save parents from having to bury a child
- Fox News anchor Harris Faulkner says toy hamster stole her name and her looks