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Am I the only one who thinks Kirk Cousins' catchphrase is super horny?

...I might be.

...I might be. Elizabeth Flores, Star Tribune

Yesterday, Kirk Cousins was named NFC Offensive Player of the month. Coincidentally, yesterday is also the day I learned Kirk Cousins has a catchphrase, and that catchphrase is: "You like that?"

“HOOWWWWWW does this not sound sexual?” a friend asked the "work" group chat Thursday morning, pointing to a Star Tribune story titled “You like that? Vikings' Kirk Cousins named NFC Offensive Player of the Month.”

Because I am an Eagles fan (sorry) who really doesn't follow the NFL that closely (currently dead last in my fantasy league, what an Eagles-fan move am I right ha ha ha), I had never heard the man say it. Nor had I seen the allegedly viral clip in which Cousins—then hucking balls for Washington, D.C.—hollers it at reporters after a big W.

Let me tell you, my friends: The phrase is horny. People only say "You like that?!" in bad porn and worse action movies. But the question divided the chat—some thought it sounded sexual, others, not so much.

Which... excuse me?

I knew then and there I had to put it to The People—City Pages readers—in a poll: Is Kirk Cousins’ catchphrase horny?

But first, I started collecting empirical evidence on the you-like-that situation. By which I mean I texted friends and family—Vikings fans and non-Vikings fans; football watchers and people who spend their Sundays doing something else, I guess—to determine whether they too believe this objectively horny phrase is, in fact, horny.

Not a great start.

"He wraps his steaks in tin foil before grilling,” one—sure, we’ll call this a survey—respondent noted. “That is not the work of a horny man."

Another agreed: “Thing is, Kirk has never had sex.”

What you're all getting stuck on, IMO, is that Cousins himself has big ha ha just kidding... unless? energy. Even in the clip that made the phrase famous, his voice cracks with the sweaty desperation of a 12-year-old trying to get their backpack back from a bully. He sounds like the kid who wants very badly not to be picked last for the football team, rather than the guy leading it to victory.

Another respondent:

...I am willing to concede there is nothing sexual whatsoever about the man.

However! "He may not be a horny man, but that phrase is definitely horny. Sort of like how all squares are rectangles, but not all rectangles are squares," a pal and Pats fan (sorry, we’re all sorry about that) replied.

The query, and the point above, opened up an important East Coast Group Chat dialogue about the relative horniness/sexual competency of pretty much everyone in the NFL.

Other takeaways:

  • "Joe Flacco is extremely horny and NEVER fucks."
  • "Last time Sam Bradford had sex he broke his leg."
  • "Cam Newton fucks with a hat on."
  • "Ryan Fitzpatrick fucks entirely too much."
  • Aaron Rodgers is "a reluctant fucker."
  • "Mitch Trubisky... mixes up the holes."
  • "Sam Darnold has mono."
  • Philip Rivers is absolutely the horniest man in football. ("Have you seen him do his lil finger lick before he plays? Bro fucks a lot.")

Ultimately though, the more we thought about Cousins' catchphrase and the extent to which it is horny—and where, league-wide, that places him on the sex-capable scale—the more questions we had. Like, Tom Brady is kind of horny-presenting, but he's... too... clean? Like on one hand you could see him watching himself in a mirror á la Patrick Bateman in American Psycho, and at the same time he seems like a man who plans sex in a Moleskine weeks in advance?

Does He Fuck?

...Do I have to rank every player in the NFL by this metric?

"Just so you know, we all think he's a big dumb nerd," one bud added of Cousins. "But my god is he playing good football right now."

Anyway, this thing really got away from me.

Here's the poll I promised my coworkers I’d publish.

Is Kirk Cousins' catchphrase horny?
Yes, obviously
No, seriously?
 
 
 
 
 
 
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