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Ah shit, Donald Trump's coming to Minneapolis

This is the face Donald Trump makes when someone promises him $100,000.

This is the face Donald Trump makes when someone promises him $100,000. Associated Press

Donald Trump won't get a lot of votes out of Minneapolis in November.

The Republican presidential nominee didn't even try to win conservatives here before the Minnesota caucus back in March. Maybe Trump knew something, or maybe it's Minnesotans who deserve the credit: He finished third, with just 21 percent, his worst performance in any state during the primary season.

Between that failure, and Minnesota's tradition of voting for Democrats — every single one of them since Jimmy Carter in 1976 — it was conceivable that Trump might leave our fine state alone. Alas, our un-Trump-ed year was too good to be true. 

Trump's coming to Minneapolis for a fundraiser Friday, August 19, the Star Tribune reports. The endorsed windbag is looking to collect dollars for the "Trump Victory Fund," a joint bank account between himself and the Republican National Committee.

It'll take $1,000 to get in the door of the still undisclosed location. (Is there anywhere in the city that used to be a factory but has since been converted to a five-star private golf course? Check there.) For the maximum donation of $100,000, donors can get close enough to Donald that he will yell great things about himself directly into their rich mugs, thereby literally spitting into democracy's face, instead of figuratively, like he usually does. 

Among the luminaries scheduled to attend is Stanley Hubbard, the broadcasting magnate who rooted for every single Republican nominee not named Donald Trump, before finally coming around when Donald was the only guy in the race. Just yesterday, Hubbard was the first source in a Buzzfeed story about GOP megadonors fearfully watching Trump's careening campaign. 

Hubbard says Trump's attack on the Khizir and Ghazala Khan, parents of a Muslim-American soldier killed in Iraq, are "just nonsense," and potentially ruinous to his relationship with donors.

"I don't know what [Trump] is doing — trying to commit suicide?" Hubbard said, bluntly. 

It's a rhetorical question. Hubbard knows full well Trump's not trying to kill himself. He's trying to ask all of America to do it, with his help. 

In a couple weeks, we get to see the suicide cult up close.