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8 unscientific reasons Minneapolis is one of America's most liberal cities

The liberal agenda courses through Minneapolis co-op aisles.

The liberal agenda courses through Minneapolis co-op aisles.

Minneapolis is proud of its overwhelming liberalism. Here in the heart of Klobuchar country, Bush voters have been exiled to gross suburbs we ridicule. The Clinton Kool-Aid flows from artistic taxpayer funded water fountains etched with the principles of our liberal agenda, as first written in Walter Mondale’s blood on an elephant hide.

So true is our Democratic spirit that Forbes recently ranked Minneapolis the sixth most liberal city in the nation. The list puts us behind fellow uber leftist towns Boston, Oakland, Seattle, Washington D.C., and top seeded San Francisco (man, those guys are cool). The rankings leaned on a fancy MIT study showing how city governments reflect the political will of its people.

However, we don’t need advanced polling to know that we’re an enlightened mecca for people who think Ayn Rand’s a drag. The proof is in the streets and our bleeding hearts. Here are eight unscientific reasons Minneapolis is one of America’s liberal holy cities.

MPR tote bag ubiquity

So far have the liberal media’s tentacles reached into our homes that Minnesota Public Radio tote bags are practically standard issued to Minneapolis residents. We proudly unfurl them in co-op checkout lines to show the world we’re conscientious, educated, and well-off enough to inflate our grocery bills to set a moral example.

Paul Wellstone bumper stickers

Seriously, have these things been reissued more times than Led Zeppelin albums? Thirteen years after the fan favorite DFLer died in a tragic plane crash, Wellstone’s spirit is still stuck to the back of our rusty whips. Minneapolitans might be the only ones who think #NeverForget refers to their beloved late senator.

Presumption everyone else is lib

We don’t even have to ask. In casual conversation with strangers, we’ll comfortably mock pro-life billboards and confederate flag fliers, because no one could ever disagree with our politics. Try that in Boston and some Southie with a Romney crush might knawk your teeth out.

So many Suburus

Our local Patagonia militia patrols the Chain of Lakes in hatchbacks and fleece uniforms bumpin’ Wait Wait…Don’t Tell Me! like they don’t give a damn. Armed with bike racks and unwavering progressive opinions, the Sierra Club donators make their presence felt at chill wine bars and city parks.

Pick-up truck disdain

Drive them in Northeast or South all you want. But we’re livid the moment we’re stuck behind some road-hogging pollution machine struggling to parallel park in Uptown or downtown. “Why do they even need that?” we gasp from the moral high ground of our smaller vehicles. Still, it’d be nice to have one when we move into our new condo next month…

Our mustaches are ironic

There’s nothin’ kitschy about a Republican mustache, son. William Howard Taft, Theodore Roosevelt, Dr. Phil (I dunno, he seems Republican): All wear their lip pelts like men, contrary to Minneapolis’ legion of ‘stache waxers who follow cats on Instagram and voted for Obama.

Every white official totally “gets” black people

OK, that’s not true. But Rep. Paul Thissen, DFL-Minneapolis, went to that D’Angelo concert. Does that count for anything?

Everyone has a gay friend

And it’s never really been a thing. Except when we accidentally say something that could be misconstrued as homophobic, in which case it’s our first line of defense.