65 vanity license plates that really, truly exist in Minnesota

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Sadly, no one in Minnesota has this license plate. Yet.


Can you really put a price on a good first impression?

The Minnesota Department of Transportation can. The vast majority of the state's drivers are just fine rolling along with whatever jumble of letters and numbers MnDOT gives us for a license plate.

But that state-issued tramp stamp between our taillights isn't good enough for some of us. Like, 98,564 of us. That's how many people have shelled out the extra $100 for vanity license plates, according to a database obtained by WCCO.

All of these plates are currently under review after the embarrassing discovery of one that read "FMUSLMS." It was quickly revoked under the order of Gov. Mark Dayton, and MnDOT is now combing its files to scrub other potentially offensive plates.

I, too, have sifted through the list, with the no less noble goal of interpretation. What follows is a handy guide to some of the most interesting vanity plates currently wheeling around on Minnesota streets.

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All of these really, truly exist. Turns out, when it comes to vanity, there's no need for embellishment.

Driver least likely to stop if he backs into your car: INDEBT

Most honest about why he or she has been swerving for the last five miles: DRVNDZY

Most unnecessarily forthright about gastrointestinal matters: LILPOOP

Driver who should've already known you were going to change lanes whether you signaled or not: PSYCHIC

Worst liar when asked how much he's had to drink that night: ABEER

Drivers who should really get together sometime and just, hang out, man: CHEECH, CHONG, and TOKE

Fastest friends at the barbecue: EATPORK, EATBEEF, and MEAT (though they have been receiving some serious side-eye from VEGAN and EAT TOFU; at least everyone loves EATCAKE)

Most likely to forgive you for cutting him off: JESUS

Driver least likely to ever get cut off: AK47

Calmest driver in rush hour traffic: PROZAC

Greatest number of U-turns per trip: CNILE

Car-lovin' couple destined to wind up together: CHVYGRL and CHVYBOY (both would be wise to avoid CHVYKLR)

Most likely to be driving with a peg leg: ARRRRGH

Driver who always seems to have only one hand on the wheel: AROUSED

Most important disclosure of a medical issue: BLIND

Man most likely to be experimenting with hair plugs and thinking about piercing his ear: MIDLIFE

Least funny adult in America: YOMAMA

Girl who promised she would stop texting while driving if dad would just please get her that Mercedes, pleeeeease: 2SPOILD

Driver least likely to have a human companion in the passenger seat: CATLADY

Person who feels the need to put labels on everything: CAR

Drivers who would have the most awkward conversation if they bumped into each other at a singles mixer: PRUDE and DEVIANT

Driver with the most predictable reaction to anything that happens during her commute: FBOMB

Person who clearly expects to someday be kidnapped and stuffed in the trunk of his own car: CALL911

Car most likely to inspire others to pull up alongside to see if the driver is a goat: BAAA

Car second most likely to inspire others to pull up alongside to see if the driver is a goat: AGOAT

Drivers who would be deeply disappointed to learn the other is out there: 1OFKIND and 1OFKND

Least welcome offer of medical assistance: VAGHLR

Drivers hardest to see over the dashboard: 2SHORT, MIDGET, ELF, and DWARF

Invitation that probably does not refer to the bumper to which it is attached: RIDEME

Description we can only hope refers to the owner's age and propensity for honking at other drivers: OLHORNY

Most primitive GPS tracking system: EARTH

Most likely recipient of nude text messages from strangers of either gender: SXT

Most likely recipient of nude text messages from strangers, male: DICKSS

Driver whose horn is broken, but still wants to tell you that you're too close to their bumper: WHOA

Driver coming at you head-on going the wrong way on a one-way: CHICKEN

Most likely to blame their accident on a poorly timed sneeze: AHHCHOO

People who should steer clear of that guy who had the FMUSLMS plate: ISLAM, AFGHAN, and REFUGEE (they might want to be wary of INFIDEL, too)

Least likely plate to belong to an actual spy: CIA

Most likely plate to belong to an actual spy: BOND007

Driver who has resigned to her fate if her SUV ever gets in an accident: ROLOVER

Driver who had better, for the sake of his driving record, actually be a law enforcement officer who is somewhat overweight: FATCOP

Least likely person to ever cheat on D.J. again since he bought her that car: DJSGIRL

Easiest person to blame even if the accident was your fault: FALLGUY

Car most likely to get in front of you without you noticing they were passing: QUANTUM

Driver who probably likes the seat belt a little too tight: BDSM

Person you least want to be stuck behind on a two-lane road: EZ2BL8

Person you least want to be anywhere near: UNSAFE

Driver who has, at this stage in his life, decided that he is in fact not a leg man: BUTTS

Sweetest offer that also sounds like a vaguely threatening admission of bad driving: IPRAY4U

Person who drives with reckless abandon because who cares, it will all be over soon: ENDTIME

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