This week, Millennials across the country figured out that you can request your rider score from Uber. And, like the approval-mad Hoovers they are, millions took to their phones to have Uber send them their ratings.
However, Uber's score-sharing came without much context. Though it seems absurd to assign a numerical value to something as subjective and complicated as a human person, that's an absurdity music industry review sites like Pitchfork, Consequence of Sound, and Rolling Stone have long since reconciled.
And since the only thing Millennials love more than tying their value to aggregated scores is early-2000s indie music — and since there's no Metacritic for your in-car demeanor — we've pitted your Uber score against some of the genre's contemporary classics to help you get an idea of where you stand among your peers.
Yankee Hotel Foxtrot by Wilco
Congratulations, motherfucker: Best New Music. Whether it's your cordial nature, prominence with the aux cord, or the pleasant odor of your salon-quality hair gel, everyone agrees you're the best. However, 5.0 isn't the best rating you can have on Uber.
If you have a fiver, Uber drivers are gonna assume you're new. Likewise, if you talk to someone at a party, and they tell you their favorite album is Wilco's Yankee Hotel Foxtrot, you're rightfully gonna assume they've only listened to, like, nine records in their lives. It's too convenient. Yes, Jeff Tweedy's 2002 album is a master stroke and will last as an enduring vision of the early-millennium indie-folk movement, but saying that is like saying that Superman is the coolest superhero. If you're a 5.0, at the best you're risky, at the worst, you're totally boring.
In the Aeroplane Over the Sea by Neutral Milk Hotel
The thing about your Uber score is that people can't cite it as evidence that you're overrated. By all means, a random polling of strangers you've spent a non-negligible amount of time with is a fair indicator of your quality of person. A 4.9 is the best Uber score you can have because no person is without some degree of dissent. When it comes to you, that dissent is the smallest measurable amount, and therefore any contradiction to your greatness lives in an absurd minority. Your score rightly means that you're good and cool and talented at sex, which you have often and with enviable vigor.
You've struck the perfect balance between commercial appeal and indie cred. Hipsters and yuppies alike will gladly give you a spin. You're Neutral Milk Hotel's landmark 1998 album In the Aeroplane Over the Sea, which raked in high scores, including a 10 from Pitchfork, thus making Rolling Stone's 3/5 rating look laughable.
Funeral by Arcade Fire
Montreal's gothic orchestra Arcade Fire reigned supreme in the pre-aughts with incredibly ambitious albums like Funeral, their 2004 benchmark of an album that garnered mostly glowing reviews. Mostly.
Funeral's rearview accolades are impressive, but that didn't stop Dusted from dragging down the average to call the record "just a short step away from annoying," and one Sputnik user shackled the effort with a measly 1.0. Chances are, this is the way it is for you. Maybe one drunk night you farted in the passenger seat or called the driver "John" instead of "Josh," but either way, you've struck a very negative chord with a select group of people, thus keeping your ranking from being less than ideal.
Merriweather Post Pavilion by Animal Collective
People wrestle with their opinion of you, and that's chill as fuck. Some people rant and rave about their experience with you, others discard you after eight befuddling minutes and prefer to never think about you again. You're simultaneously rapturous and abrasive — no easy feat for a person or an album. Your multitudes are not easily quantified.
Baltimore neo-psych impressionists Animal Collective know how you feel. Their hallucinogenic, long-winded opus Merriweather Post Pavilion flummoxed as many people as it enchanted, though many now consider the album an immutable classic. Your Uber number may not have been as high as you hoped, but you can hold on to the hope that, like the Austin Chronicle and Boston Phoenix, your critics end up on the wrong side of history.
4.0 or below
Good News for People Who Love Bad News by Modest Mouse
Oof, we should've never had such high hopes for you. Though your rating is theoretically high, in truth, you suck. Gah, you're just awful. People try to be polite about it, considering the history they have with you, but by all critical measures, there isn't much redeeming.
Much like Modest Mouse's chart-maiming fourth LP, Good News for People Who Love Bad News, your intentions are good, but you're probably just trying too hard. Just be yourself! No more horn-splattered interludes or grunty spasms like "Dance Hall." Though some folks may, on first glance, confuse you for a classic, a squinting glare reveals that your negatives outweigh your positives.