While most Minnesotans quietly went about their business on Friday evening, a bona fide TMZ-worthy event was transpiring in downtown Minneapolis.
(Not just “happening.” Not just “occurring.” Tran-freakin-spiring.)
Onetime adorable Disney ingenue turned scuzzy, smoked-out Instagram queen Bella Thorne joined her beau, the easily mockable Bloomington-born hippie-hopper Mod Sun, onstage at the Music Hall of Minneapolis, providing corporeal evidence to those in attendance that these two gossip-site faves were actual humans and not fictional characters devised by some haywire Daily Mail algorithm.
Together they performed “Bitch I’m Bella Thorne,” an obnoxious white-girl rap that surely has Kreayshawn's career rolling in its grave, and then made out, TMZ reports. Afterward Bella wished Mod a happy birthday on Instagram (he was born on March 10), captioning a shot of him onstage: “Every day is a celebration of you because your soul is so beautiful.”
Now, we live in a place that essentially counts celebrities with layovers at MSP as honorary Minnesotans, that is unembarrassed by headlines like “Leah Remini’s explosive new book resonates with Twin Cities-based sister.” So it is shocking that our local-angle watchdogs (yes, even City Pages!) have for so long remained silent about the fact that a hometown boy is situated at the center of perhaps the emptiest gossip cycle of our era.
Well, we are silent no more.
So who are these people? For you olds, think of Mod and Bella as kind of a Dave Pirner and Winona Ryder for the 21st century. Except if Soul Asylum was a talentless hair metal band that went out to L.A. to get famous and instead of a real actress, the lead singer was dating, like, Nicole Eggert or somebody.
We long ago skewered Mod Sun for his dippy Ras Trent-isms, his insatiable appetite for cultural appropriation, and his privileged, weed-drenched positive-vibing.
As for Bella Thorne, she was once known for the brilliant “TTYLXOX,” which is almost certainly the best song ever recorded about wearing the same dress to a party as Zendaya.
Nowadays she is the subject of tweets like "Bella Thorne Raps & Has Sex With A Teddy Bear In NSFW Video For Lil Phag’s ‘Clout 9’ — Watch." (Don’t watch.)
Mod and Bella spend their days smoking, wearing each other’s clothes, lying around in bed, taking pictures of each other, and being problematic.
What follows is by no means a complete timeline of their exploits, since there is a story about them literally (and I don’t mean figuratively-literally) every day. Nothing they do (and they do a lot of nothing) is too insignificant to be documented. For instance, on December 17, the Daily Mail reported "Mod Sun and Bella Thorne go to Whole Foods," with a source revealing “Bella was seen on her phone and carrying some sort of health juice.”
There is certainly no reason to absorb the information below, but maybe it’ll come in handy the next time you need to embarrass the teen in your life.
Bella and Mod — the early days
Though not yet officially a couple, Mod and Bella first appeared in public together on October 11, when they attended the premiere of her movie The Babysitter. Gossip blogs obsessed over the fact that she wasn’t wearing a bra, but what they didn’t notice was that Mod was there to give her all the support she needed.
Rumors soon began circulating that Mod and Bella were dating, which was scandalous because she had been dating the rapper Blackbear, Mod’s buddy. Or was still dating him. Or had never actually dated him. As with all facts in the shadowy world of Mod and Bella, it wasn’t entirely clear what happened, when it happened, or why it happened.
Mod and Bella name their dog “Tampon”
As a sign of their commitment to one another, Bella and Mod got a puppy last December, and they invited the internet to help them name her with this charming poll.
Although the popular vote clearly backed the more objectionable name, Mod and Bella went with “Tampon” — they’re like the Electoral College of bottom-shelf celebrity couples.
Rob Lowe says it’s too late to say sorry now
While stuck in traffic en route to Mod’s show in January, Bella tweeted “Fuck u 101 to Santa Barbra. I’m missing my boyfriends first date on his tour :(((”
Thing is, the reason for that traffic backup was horrific mudslides in California that had killed more than 20 people. Bella apologized, but protector of online decency Rob Lowe was not having it. He posted a screencap of her tweet, saying, “This attitude is why people hate celebrities/Hollywood. Bella, I’m sorry you were inconvenienced. We will try to move out our dead quicker.”
Mod jumped to his bae’s defense, accusing Lowe of “bullying,” and then this celebrity feud, despite all its idiotic promise, apparently fizzled out.
Bella smokes pot and/or is pregnant
While in Sundance to promote her new movie (for a couple that never seems to spend all their waking hours only half-awake, these two sure do make a lot of movies and record a lot of music), Bella and her entourage are kicked out of a Utah hotel for smoking pot. That same day, pregnancy rumors begin to bubble when Mod posts an Instagram shot of him kissing Bella’s bare tummy with the caption “ur doing so amazing I love watching u shine bb.” (Just think of the potential poll options for baby names!)
Topless revenge selfie! With sideboob!
Just days later, however, Bella sparked breakup rumors when she posted a topless Instagram pic of herself with the caption, "When your boyfriend has a dating app on his phone!" along with another shot (presumably of Mod's phone) showing notifications from Badoo, a dating app that almost certainly does not exist outside of a Law & Order episode.
Did they break up? Of course not. (Not yet anyway.) And she's not pregnant either. Bella Thorne and Mod Sun occupy a world where no activity goes unreported, yet no event has any effect on what happens next. Like sitcom characters, no one suffers any consequences for whatever happened in a previous episode.
Except for that poor dog, who is still named Tampon.
Whenever tampon does something bad suddenly it’s “my” dog @MODSUN— bella thorne (@bellathorne) March 12, 2018