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Valentine's Day round up

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(photo courtesy of ButterflySha)The most loathed and emotionally-loaded holiday is upon us. Let me help you dodge the misery. Looking for love? Looking for a good time with your lover? Looking for something kinky? Looking to destroy something in a fit of rage? Don't worry, I've got you covered.

Lovers

Isn't life grand? Grab your beloved and bring them to one of these events.

Love Tour 2009

Minnesota Zoo, 13000 Zoo Blvd., Apple Valley; 952.431.9500

Ever wondered about the mating rituals of animals? This evening features tours on jungle love, a romantic dinner, and wine. 21+. Tours begin at 6 p.m. and run every 15 minutes until 7:15 p.m. Dinner seating at 7:30 and 8:30 p.m. Visit www.mnzoo.org to RSVP. $170 per couple.

Art Shanty Projects

Medicine Lake, 9699 17th Ave. N., Plymouth

This is the last week to enjoy the lovely art shanty community. Check out their website (www.artshantyprojects.org) for a list of activities. Free. 10 a.m. to 4 p.m. Park at the East Beach parking lot; the Art Car Taxi will arrive shortly to take you to the shanties.

Romeo and Juliet

Children's Theatre Company, 2400 3rd Ave. S., Minneapolis; 612.874.0400

This one is probably self-explanatory... 4 p.m. & 8 p.m. $19-$29.

Victorian Poetry Slam

James J. Hill House, 240 Summit Ave., St. Paul; 651.297.2555

Costumed actors recite timeless poetry. Hearts gush. 7 p.m. $10.

The Red Ball Fundraiser

345 13th Ave. NE, Minneapolis; 612.436.1129

Check out this romantic fundraiser for the Ritz Theater. The evening features dinner, champagne, dancing, and a performance of the delightfully strange Dream Channel: Episode 2. 8 p.m. $35-$75.

Traci Skene and Brian McKim

Joke Joint Comedy Club, Mall of America Ramada, 2300 E. American Blvd., Bloomington; 612.327.0185

This married couple do comedy shows together. How cute is that? 7:30 & 10 p.m. $8-$12.

Haters

Who needs love anyway? Not you.

Shred the Love

Midtown Global Market, 920 E Lake St., Minneapolis, 612.872.4041

Bring something your lame-ass ex gave you to destroy. There will be a shredder, giant scissors, punching bag, and aromatherapy. Perhaps you will meet someone new while tearing that pink teddy bear to pieces. 3-5 p.m. Free.

Adventures In Mating

Bryant-Lake Bowl, 810 West Lake St., Minneapolis, 612.825.8949

The final show of the long-running, popular production about a blind date. Laugh at their misery. 6 & 9 p.m. $15.

SlamMN!: Erotica Slam

Kieran's Irish Pub, 330 2nd Ave. S, Minneapolis, 612.339.4499

You know what hurts more than sticks and stones? Words. Some slammers may be funny, some sexy, some spectacularly angry. 7:30 p.m. $7.

Kinky

Ain't nothing wrong with getting your freak on.

Hot Wax : An Evening of Burlesque and Cabaret

Patrick's Cabaret, 3010 Minnehaha Ave. S, Minneapolis, 612.721.3595

Lovely ladies from Lili's Burlesque do a strip tease, Kajal Bellydance Troupe shimmies, the Midnight Muse Revue plays tunes, and DJ Chris Dunn will spin you round. 8 p.m. $7; $10 per couple.

Bondage A-Go-Go

Ground Zero, 15 4th St. NE, Minneapolis, 612.378.5115

The best place to don that vinyl body suit, get whipped, or dance to dark electronica. 10 p.m. $6.

VD09

Northrup King Studios, 1500 Jackson St. NE, Minneapolis, 612.363.5612

Looking to get dressed up and dance with furries? This gig is for you. 7 p.m. to midnight. Free.

Caligula

Red Eye Theater, 15 W 14th St., Minneapolis, 612.870.0309

This production is probably not as raunchy as the infamous X-rated movie, but if you dig orgies, sadism, and insanity, this show will speak to you. For tickets call 612.375.0300. 7:30 p.m. $14-$16.

Singles

Come and get your love at one of these bashes.

Crush Valentine's Day Bash

Myth, 3090 Southlawn Dr., Maplewood, 651.779.6984

This event features sweet desserts and a sex toy party for ladies. Be sure to wear red if you're single. 10 p.m., $10 for 21+; $15 for 18+.

Valentine's Day Tribute to Guns 'n' Roses

Trocaderos, 107 3rd Ave. N, Minneapolis, 612.465.0440

You know where you are? You're in the jungle, baby. God Johnson and Absolut Gruv serenade you with romantic tunes like "Patience," "Sweet Child O Mine," and "November Rain." 18+. 8 p.m., $8/$10.

Turn on the Heat: Valentine's Day Show

Hexagon Bar, 2600 27th Ave. S, Minneapolis, 612.722.3454

Check out the Brutes, Jenny Dalton, Cryns #3, Solid Gold, and more at this show. 9 p.m. Free.

Valentine's Day Show

7th Street Entry, 701 1st Ave. N., Minneapolis, 612.332.1775

Another V-Day show with a great line-up. Music is always a good ice breaker. Chris Koza, Big Trouble, Lucy Michelle & the Velvet Lapelles perform. 8 p.m. 18+., $10/$12.