comScore

Traces of this being none of your fucking business found in Prince’s system

Prince's gilded star outside of the First Avenue nightclub in Minneapolis.

Prince's gilded star outside of the First Avenue nightclub in Minneapolis.

Editor's note: This satirical Prince story originally appeared on Twin Cities comedian Justin Colucci's blog, The Trashcan, and City Pages is reposting it with his permission. The blog post went viral Saturday when former Minneapolis mayor R.T. Rybak shared it on his personal Facebook page. The influx of web traffic temporarily crashed The Trashcan. Hosting service HostGator tells Colucci that his site received more than 1.5 million hits on Sunday. 

On Saturday morning the Medical Examiner reported that while it is still unclear of what exactly caused the late singer’s death, they did find fairly substantial evidence of it being none of your fucking business.

While many are just looking for closure in the aftermath of a death of a celebrity so celebrated, they are not entitled to it. While more talented than most, Prince was not some ethereal being and he certainly doesn’t owe you people anything.

Still worse are the people that want to use something like an addiction to drugs to tarnish his legacy to make themselves feel better about accomplishing nothing, with or without a drug habit. They want to make claim that perhaps he isn’t a role model to be remembered in high regard, as if they live in some magical, make-believe world where there’s a human being that ever achieved anything substantial without compensating for something.

Though the cause of death in any situation is important to double-check, especially when it comes to a wealthy celebrity death, that’s really none of the public’s business, now is it? Would you want people doing that with you? Making your life about something that had nothing to do with you? Of course not. Nobody wants that. Nobody wants to be remembered by their vice and why you would do it to someone that accomplished so much more is not only pathetic but dishonest.

You say you want to warn the public about the powers of opiates? You know a great way to do that? By not telling them that one of the most successful people to ever live did it while being a drug addict. You think that makes it less cool to do drugs? Well, you don’t know cool. Or drugs. Or anything about being human.

In fact, this probably isn’t really a discussion you’re mature enough to be having with anyone. Why don’t you go see that Captain America movie all the kids are talking about, take your mind off things a little? Life isn’t all about people you don’t know personally dying and demanding answers you don’t need or deserve.

It’s also about men dressed as panthers and spiders flying around punching each other not just because they can, but because within the constructs of the universe they live in it’s the right thing to do. Tony Irons may put on a big robot suit and kill people for the government, but he thinks it’s right, and that’s what’s really important here. He does what he thinks is right and he gets it done.

If Tony Irons were to find out that Prince had died of a drug overdose, you know what he’d do? He’d say to his assistant/wife, Peppi Ports, “Hey this is Tony Irons your husband/boss and I just found something out I can’t tell you about because it’s none of your fucking business.” She would say, “I understand Mr. Irons/Tony my husband. I will not ask again nor for a first time.” She wouldn’t, either, because she knows it’s not anyone’s fucking business.

We could all learn a lesson from Peppi Ports.